GNOMES are good clean fun

So I've been posting these to Facebook of late, and I thought I'd put them all in one place.  This is a direct result of spending a lot of time inside in a cottage in the woods with a broken foot.  Enjoy. 

"Are you sure you can't find the cell phone charger?"

"Keep an eye out while I try these new Velcro gloves"

"I swear to god this is a mushroom"

"Frick it's dark in here"

When you said "let's get baked" I had something different in mind.

We really need to get a cell phone

"There you go buddy, thirsty are you?"

"I'm starting to think this is a bad place to sleep"

"The humans outlawed Lawn Jarts a long time ago, and then you go and do this"

"Fuck this is high"

"Which dropper do you want Darrel?"

Stargazing

Arctic Expedition

"Ahoy Matey!"

Bed time

I broke my foot

Evidently I broke my foot a long time ago and it never healed correctly. This is most likely because I don't ever remember hurting that foot. Ever. The medical consensus is that my more rigorous running schedule of late re-broke it. Now I have an inflatable boot. But there is more to this story.

It's my 5th metatarsal. I have X-rays, three doctor visits and Vicodin (I pass out when I use that stuff so anybody interested in buying it, I mean I only paid $1.98 for the bottle... truth be told it's actually generic hydrocodone so I don't know if you get all loopy on this stuff or not but I'll sell it for about 14 bucks.. I'm trying to save money for school ya' know?) to substantiate my wild claims.

I had to visit three doctors over two days order to obtain and air cast (that hurts my foot more than my own adapted walking strategy does: a pigeon-toed grunt-powered hobble) and to get an appointment for a follow up consult in three weeks time. Only then will I learn what we might do to fix my broken foot (this could include surgery, screws etc.). This so far cost me 20 bucks at urgent care, 20 bucks at my physician, and 30 bucks at the foot specialist.

This 70 bucks does not include the monthly rate for my insurance of over 100 bucks and certainly doesn't represent the true costs. I guess the total billed to the insurance company will be very high, in the thousands. I will only be able to fathom them after I get, via mail, several pages of documentation from my insurance company with confusing columns and algebraic calculations than I am unable to fully comprehend.

For 70 bucks out of pocket (read: no, nada, nunca, zilch, kosong, nor a hint of insurance) in Kuala Lumpur I could have gotten hospitalized and had a nice nurse to give me a happy ending to my full body message whilst staring at the Petronas twin towers while I was slipped into a cast in the matter of 2 hours. OK, no happy ending but probably at least a smile. Contrast this with the fact I had to endure my family physician's nurse (obese is an understatement as is the gaudiness of her eye shadow) bitch about how her husband punctured (my word since it would be out of her linguistic reach) their inflatable swimming pool mere days before this past summer's heat wave.

What is wrong with the US health care system? Referrals for one. I needed a referral to go to a person competent enough to tell me that I need an air cast and take it easy for a few weeks? I had deduced this myself after seeing the X-rays, day one. At the foot specialist in fact, a sign hangs on the reception window that reads "if you arrive here without a referral you are personally responsible for the insurance company fees." What? I visited a reumatologist directly for 15 bucks in KL when I had gout, without a referral. I said to myself, "huh my foot joint hurts- I need to go to someone who knows about this" and I called a reumatologist. Amazing how that works. Ear hurts? Call the ear Dr.! Butt hurt, call the proctologist! Dick hurt, well you get the point. Consequently I navigated my recovery through diet and exercise rather than a life long Uloric prescription, based on her astute observations that I ate too much meat and drank too much scotch. I bet here I'd have been prescribed drugs....
God I need a Vicodin.

Meatballs and I'm a dork

America and Columbus Ohio, this is why you are so awesome: a 1,000 pound meatball Guinness World Book of Record attempt.  I attempted to calculate the diameter of this monstrosity, below.  I got over 6 feet diameter, but I usually don't do math in public, so it could be wrong.  Also, I had to guess on the density of meat balls, since Google failed me miserably.  So for the next person that Googles "density of a meatball" perhaps this post will show up and they can use my complete guess (e.g. the density of a meatball is estimated to be 1.2).  Has David Letterman done a "will it float" on meat balls? I wonder...

I hope to make it to the Italian festival to see this thing in person, perhaps validate my assumptions, and to see the convection oven used to cook it.

Testing. Testing.

W. Broad BMV, Cols, Ahia.

Well. We tried. But the deadlines set by the Ohio Bureau of Motor
Vehicles are solid. Immovable. Stoic in the face of logic, pleading
and bribes. 6 months and 6 days is 6 days too long to renew your
license in this great state known for its, um, corn? Jamie thus is now
thrown into the swirling eddy of refugees and zit faced teenagers in a
race for the privilege to pay $4.00 to move about. A computer test. A
driving test.

Ohio BMV, I love how pragmatic you are. Though I doubt you realize
fully what you have done. You see I was granted a new licence,
because I am a lucky one with a licence not yet past the 6 month
"expiration" window. What you do not realize is that I have a disease.
You see, I have great urges to run red lights, and in general do the
opposite of what the signs, lines and otherwise 'better judgment'
would suggest be the appropriate course of actions whilst driving.
In fact today, in 30 seconds, I broke no less than 6 rules in downtown
Columbus. But I paid you $25.75 and I am (by fortune of pure
happenstance) more timely so you are very wise to send my wife back to
remedial education so she can learn how to turn left (into the near
lane not the far one!) and also keep the left lane of the highway
clear for faster vehicles. Both of these are rules that I observe are
followed almost nearly imperfectly in this state. So kudos to sticking
to the rules Ohio BMV. Your roads are certainly safer for it.

What does the driving test involve these days? Are there trick
questions? Do the test takers cloud their thoughts by imagining how
they will act less furtive than normal once they have the power of
internal combustion? Do they think 'Where do I hide my bong?' and 'do
I hide my bong when it is raining or does that have to do with
headlights and wipers?' and 'man I shouldn't have gotten so drunk
before this test!' Oh, how rough it must be to be young and full of
hope and dreams.

Up North

So far, we've spent more nights in the woods of Michigan than any other place since our return stateside one week ago.   Yesterday we trundled down to Houghton lake, which is not to be confused with Higgins lake, where we are staying currently.

As far as I can tell the major differences between the two lakes is that Houghton is much more fun to make potential tourism slogans for.  Here goes:

• No Shirt, No Shoes, Welcome back
• Houghton: Man boobs, pick-up trucks and bars - we got it all. 

Just to give you a snapshot, in 3 minutes of waiting outside of a liquor store I saw a woman, that looked like a man but who had installed giant torpedoes to his chest, kiss a little chihuahua and squeeze out of her Buick Roadmaster and walk into the liquor store.  A woman, in what can be described only as a jean camouflage uniform - of which the top was of the halter variety - came out and fraternized with a gentleman that looked like Ted Kaczynski's cousin, slapped each other on the ass and parted ways. 

I stayed in the car. 

Einstein

Our Einstein Bagel breakfast bonanza this morning brought several issues to light that need swift attention.

Foremost is that when one crosses the street it is essential to look toward the nearest lane of traffic first, not second. I hearken back to my "safety city" class when I learned the "Left-Right-Left" mantra. This is keen advice that helps one not get hit by fast moving vehicles.

Disaster averted we got to the bagel shop, and stood at the wrong end of the counter to order. US goes right to left at the counter, not left to right.

While placing my order at the counter the bagel man engaged us in conversation. Conversation about the origin of capers (they are purportedly little flowers from the Mediterranean that are processed into little tiny salty nuggets of joy and happiness). This is quite a diversion from what has been the norm these past 3 years when ordering from a counter such as this in Malaysia. Ordering a sub for instance in Malaysia required a series of hand signals, primordial grunts and occasional physical intervention in order to obtain a sandwich which is palatable and does not contain the ubiquitous chili sauce sandwich topping that all Malaysians enjoy with great culinary august.  So conversation, and about capers (only second in my book in general awesomeness to my pimento stuffed green olive friends) was, well, delightful.  The lox was superb too.

Did I mention this was our first bagel in 3 years?

So last century

You can always find something from last century at a Marriott (usually the bathroom), but at the JW Marriott in downtown Kuala Lumpur the crapper is immaculate. This rowing machine however, has a CRT attached to it and Atari software from '94 running its sweet user interface. Who in holy hell comes to service this thing?

Day 3 in the hotel isn't going all that bad. Monday the movers came, Tuesday we cleaned (well the maid did, I supervised, another thing I will sorely miss). Wednesday we hand the keys to flat and then we are officially homeless.

Thursday, our last full night in KL, we'll be going to a Ramadan buffet to break the fast with our friend Zaiful and his family. Should be fun!! A pool level buffet is low tech and should be easily handled by late 20th century software, or pens and pencils.

Hanoi, Vietnam

Other than being able to safely be able to call things "hotter than 'Nam" and have some shred of truth behind the statement, we found Hanoi to be one of (if not the most) intoxicating and exciting places we've visited in SE Asia So far. There is really not other place that I have been that has an exciting Old Quarter feel (small lanes, old façades, intimate shops) combined with the craziness of Asia (motorbikes, wet markets, street food...). Together they created created an exciting buzz that was at times awe inspiring. 

Going off of a recommendation from TripAdvisor.com we selected a hotel (Hanoi Elegance, Ruby) that could not have been better placed as a home base to wander aimlessly through the old quarter of Hanoi. The small lane in front of the hotel (it's not even a proper street which a car - one with a driver with two brain cells to make a synapse - would attempt to drive down) is small and intimate. In the morning, the lane was a bustling wet market with everything from fruits and vegetables.  I had fun for an hour or so taking pictures of the goings on - that is until the food safety police busted several stalls for selling unsanctioned fruits and meats.  Need to do some more digging into what exactly was going on but the activity when the cops showed up reminded me a what the activity at a speakeasy would have been upon the sight of the authorities (or certain Athens, Ohio under age bars, currently). 

The best place to sell flowers is right in the middle of the street intersection!

Itinerary:

After one day's delay (I forgot to get Visas - small problem) we arrived in Hanoi Friday night and promplty hit the town at 11:30pm at night.  Small problem - the town pretty much shutters its doors by 12pm, but we managed to slam a few local brews: Halida "The famous beer of Vietnam".  I still think there is some word missing in that slogan, because it's kind of like saying "the liquid beer of Vietnam" but we'll leave that for another time. 

After getting some shut eye, we explored the next day (wandering aimlessly - the best approach for Hanoi's old quarter in my opinion) and ended up having spring rolls and too many Halida's by about noon.  We ran into a new airport friend (befriended in the Visa line, an Indian Brit, living in Australia - talk about a strange accent) who we spent the rest of the afternoon with, as well as for dinner.  The Green Mango is an ace place to eat - just beware things take a century to arrive: drinks are works of art as are the apps.  Mains were slightly disappointing but the ambiance makes up for it.  Try the outside patio if you can stand the heat. Here's a video from my POC crossing the street on the way to the restaurant.  Felt like I was taking my life into my own hands:

The next morning we braved a 4 hour van ride (thank GOD for Dramamine and its off-brand kinfolk Nautamine) to the trumpeted Halong Bay.  This newly sanctioned UNESCO world heritage sight is a tourist trap which is unparalleled.  The government sanctions ONLY 500 hundred boats (they are called JUNKS, I'm not kidding about that) to be on the bay (a chain of thousands of limestone islands reminiscent of Krabi, Thailand) any given day. We took the "Calypso Cruiser" for a one night spin which included food, kayaking, swimming and a visit to a huge cave that - though I tried - I could not take a picture of that would make any sense or convey its immensity to the reader. The cave, was by far, the most touristy part of the adventure. My advice is do a one day trip to Halong bay to see it if you haven't been to Krabi.  Better option is to go to Krabi, rent your own speedboat and be chauffeured around eating pineapple and occasionally snorkeling.  This would cost about the same as a 2 day trip to Halong on a boat with 20 strangers.  Seriously though it is pretty magnificent -- I'm just not big on sharing my holiday with total strangers.

Halong Bay Sunset from the Calypso Cruiser

After returning the next night we hit the town, enjoyed a rooftop dinner at our hotel's sister property (Hanoi Elegance Diamond) and wandered around town trying to take photographs of the madness that is Hanoi's traffic.

motorbikes blur the background as this bike taxi waits for a customer

The next day I wandered through the wet markets, and got lost, almost missed breakfast and had to hitch a ride on a motor bike (yes, I can check this off my Asia bucket list) from a guy selling tourists books to white folk like me. For the cab fare and a couple books he tried to extort me for like 50 USD.  We bargained.  I got a book about Vietnam culture (still in the wrapping, hope it's in English and not French) and he got the equivalent of a month's salary.  Win - Win?

Wet market right outside the hotel

Alas, now we are back in KL preparing for our big one-way trip back to the US. What will come next? Probably a lot of asinine complaints about the US and Ohio.  I think I'll keep the blog going as long as anyone is interested.

here is the link to about 60 pictures from the trip from my Google Picasa online album 

Filipino Fakies

Received this phishing email today:

Dear beloved friend,

I am Mrs. lisa mendoza from philippines,I am suffering from a long time cancer of the breast, which also affected my brain. I sold all my inherited belongings and deposited all the sum of $10.2 million dollars with a finance firm.

I want your good humanitarian, to also use this money to fund churches, orphanages and widows around. I must let you know that this was a very hard decision,

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you more information on this if you can assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein.

Awaiting your reply
Yours in Christ,
Mrs. lisa mendoza

N.B

1 I will like this transaction to be very confidential.

2 you have to send me your direct phone and fax number

3 and a copy of your identity

Everything you need to know about Malay culture (according to Malaysian Melee)

This is a compilation of some of the best blogs (in my opinion) that speak to the true heart of what it means to live in Malaysia.  I hope you enjoy – I had a lot of fun digging through all of the 500 blogs from the past 3 years to bring you these few gems.

Toilets and farts: Toilet envy , Farting and spitting and such , Gross people , Butt bucket brigade, Work idea program, Full rectification indeed, Pee hands

Getin ‘er done (or not): Mowing the grass in Malaysia , Workin at the car wash, Splat, No copyright laws , Holes in ceiling , sooo Malaysian, OSHA does not exist in this country, Sidewalk cobbler, Week 2 of torched car on highway , Guys hanging from ropes cleaning windows, Done fixed it, I hope Malaysia doesn’t get invaded, Fix-a-flat , Me stuck in the elevators at the PETRONAS twin towers , 55 gallon drum oven,  Something about covering your ass…

Advertising and Engrish:  Placenta Pills,   BK, wtf does this mean?, Well this is what I call FULL service. , Run yourself better,  Malaysia, the land of... , Dr. Martini, Ridiculous Malaysian BK advertisement, This evidently occurs in my office building , Rookie Road Brownies , Reefer Madness, Closed sign for the BOOK STORE!, I made Engrish.com!, Weird Sians

Food: , food stall delight , HOT DOG DONUT , Roti Telur "egg bread', Suzi's Corner...and stuff , Chicken Fish and Lady Boys - A complete Sunday night 

Driving:, Malaysian Driving Test, part 1 , I could go into business, hell a 3rd grader could , Shocks, Pegs, LUCKY! , Teski, Teksi ! , Maybe we shouldn't drive , There is a motorbike in there somewhere. , Parking fees, My taxi driver, Malaysian Road Safety Statistics and Fatalities 

Culture: Akon Ringtones, Ghost BUSTers , Unconventional Methods To Prevent Influenza, Sad but true, Cat Scratch Fever , Bomoh catches 9 ghosts, MP: Malaysian men have affairs as wives 'neglect' duty , 1 Malaysia (unless you use your hands in a weird way) , Only In Malaysia ..... , Drive through , Soooo expected it’s not even funny, Gurkha, gurkha, gurkha

Soooooooo expected it's not even funny.

I drew up a flyer with some furniture we'd like to sell.  I stroll down to the building management office to see if I can hang said flyer on the notice board in the common area.

The woman disappears  for 10 minutes.  After conferring with her boss she says that they will "have to have a council meeting to discuss the matter, and they will come back to me, within 2 days time". 

Surely you can see why deciding whether or not to hang this on notice board deserves a council meeting!!!!!

counting to 10......

Everywhere we've been (first to last)

Reminiscing about our time in this part of the world we worked up a list of every place we have gone (outside of the city of KL).  This list with blog links is all the trips we've taken together Since September 2008 through July 2011.   

I swear that we also have been working during this period. 

2008, 3 trips

1.     Tokyo, Japan, September, 2008, Tuning in Tokyo, Sumo, Sumo, Sumo , I (chicken) HEART JAPAN - Part I, I (chicken) HEART JAPAN part DUEX

2.     Kuantan, Malaysia, November, 2008, Kuantan Leap 

3.     Bali, Indonesia, December, 2008, Merry Christmas!, Bali

2009, 9 trips

4.     Melaka, Malaysia, January 2009, Melaka 

5.     Melaka, Malaysia, January 2009 One jam packed day with the in-laws, The Longest Blog 

6.     Jakarta Indonesia, February 2009, Jakarta 

7.     Phuket, Thailand, March 2009, Phuket, Thailand, day 1 , Thailand

8.     LangTengah island, Malaysia, May 2009, Dive trip: Pulau Lang Tengah 

9.     Tioman island, Malaysia, June 2009, Tioman dive trip post 2, all others

10.   Lang Tengah island, Malaysia, July 2009, 3rd dive trip: Lang Tengah  , Lang Tengah Dive Pictures 

11.   Chiang Mai, Thailand, October, 2009, Chiang Mai, Priceless Asian Miscommunication, Your sister is hot but your MON does that THIN with her tongue , Chiang Mai, the real deal 

12.   Phi Phi island, Thailand, December 2009, Phi Phi Don, Christmas 2009

2010, 11 trips

13.   Singapore, January 2010, Raffles fun 

14.   Penang and Melaka, Malaysia, January 2010, The family comes to visit

15.   Phi Phi island, Thailand, March 2010, Archipelago achieved, Dumb ass tourists, Sneaky prawn, Phi Phi dua kali 

16.   Siem Reap, Cambodia, May 2010, Cambodia

17.   Sipadan, Malaysia, June 2010, Dive Dive Dive , Sipadan Download 

18.   Kuala Selangor (firefly park), Malaysia September 2010, Kuala Selangor, Almost like Sipadan , The fireflies of Kuala Selangor and photos

19.   Melaka, Malaysia, September, 2010 A Sunday to remember 

20.   Amsterdam, Netherlands, September, 2010 Buying winter hats , Van Gogh, Amsterdam has lady boys too , Ladyboooyy (in Amsterdam) 

21.   Phi Phi Island, Thailand, November 2010, Phi phi, feeding at a local trough, and other random thoughts , Banana hammock...not necessary :p , I love metallica cover bands 

22.   Cameron Highlands, Malaysia, December 2010, Cameron Highlands

23.   Cubadak, West Sumatra, Indonesia December 2010 Paradise. Indeed. 

2011, 9 trips

24.   Bangkok Thailand, Dec 2010, New year’s eve – no blog! Wtf, I know!

25.   Koh Lipe, Thailand, February 2011 picasa pics  – no blog! Wtf, I know!

26.   Phi Phi Island, Thailand,  March 2011 Phi Phi March 2011 recap 

27.   Bangkok Thailand, March 2011, Emergency tuxedo shopping and leprechauns

28.   Brisbane Australia, April 2011, Brissy, or Brissie? 

29.   Pulau Perhentian Besar, Malaysia, May 2011, Pulau Perhentian Besar , Planking Perhentian, Oops I did it again, Turtle eggs, Schematic of Beijing sh1tter

30.   Queensland Australia, June 2011, Queensland part dua 

31.   (Upcoming) Bangkok, Thailand, August 2011

32.   (Upcoming) Hanoi, Vietnam, August, 2011

Solo Trips

33.   Kuching, Malaysia, November 2008, Fook Yee, Fook Hing

34.   (J) Singapore, November 2008

35.   (me) New York, February 2009, My layover in New York 

36.   (J) Bangkok, Thailand, October, 2009
37.   (me) Turin, Italy, June 2010, Turin Italy impressions , Italians, long lost cousins of Malaysia ,

38.   (me) France, July 2010, France etc.

39.   (me) Shanghai and Beijing, China, April 2010, Coach sucks, Special of the day!!, Karaoke in Beijing , Red (wine) China