Malaysian Melee

GNOMES are good clean fun

2011-10-20T21:38:00.000+08:00

So I've been posting these to Facebook of late, and I thought I'd put them all in one place. This is a direct result of spending a lot of time inside in a cottage in the woods with a broken foot. Enjoy.

"Are you sure you can't find the cell phone charger?"

"Keep an eye out while I try these new Velcro gloves"

"I swear to god this is a mushroom"

"Frick it's dark in here"

When you said "let's get baked" I had something different in mind.

We really need to get a cell phone

"There you go buddy, thirsty are you?"

"I'm starting to think this is a bad place to sleep"

"The humans outlawed Lawn Jarts a long time ago, and then you go and do this"

"Fuck this is high"

"Which dropper do you want Darrel?"

Stargazing

Arctic Expedition

"Ahoy Matey!"

Bed time

I broke my foot

2011-10-15T03:44:00.001+08:00

Evidently I broke my foot a long time ago and it never healed correctly. This is most likely because I don't ever remember hurting that foot. Ever. The medical consensus is that my more rigorous running schedule of late re-broke it. Now I have an inflatable boot. But there is more to this story.

It's my 5th metatarsal. I have X-rays, three doctor visits and Vicodin (I pass out when I use that stuff so anybody interested in buying it, I mean I only paid $1.98 for the bottle... truth be told it's actually generic hydrocodone so I don't know if you get all loopy on this stuff or not but I'll sell it for about 14 bucks.. I'm trying to save money for school ya' know?) to substantiate my wild claims.

I had to visit three doctors over two days order to obtain and air cast (that hurts my foot more than my own adapted walking strategy does: a pigeon-toed grunt-powered hobble) and to get an appointment for a follow up consult in three weeks time. Only then will I learn what we might do to fix my broken foot (this could include surgery, screws etc.). This so far cost me 20 bucks at urgent care, 20 bucks at my physician, and 30 bucks at the foot specialist.

This 70 bucks does not include the monthly rate for my insurance of over 100 bucks and certainly doesn't represent the true costs. I guess the total billed to the insurance company will be very high, in the thousands. I will only be able to fathom them after I get, via mail, several pages of documentation from my insurance company with confusing columns and algebraic calculations than I am unable to fully comprehend.

For 70 bucks out of pocket (read: no, nada, nunca, zilch, kosong, nor a hint of insurance) in Kuala Lumpur I could have gotten hospitalized and had a nice nurse to give me a happy ending to my full body message whilst staring at the Petronas twin towers while I was slipped into a cast in the matter of 2 hours. OK, no happy ending but probably at least a smile. Contrast this with the fact I had to endure my family physician's nurse (obese is an understatement as is the gaudiness of her eye shadow) bitch about how her husband punctured (my word since it would be out of her linguistic reach) their inflatable swimming pool mere days before this past summer's heat wave.

What is wrong with the US health care system? Referrals for one. I needed a referral to go to a person competent enough to tell me that I need an air cast and take it easy for a few weeks? I had deduced this myself after seeing the X-rays, day one. At the foot specialist in fact, a sign hangs on the reception window that reads "if you arrive here without a referral you are personally responsible for the insurance company fees." What? I visited a reumatologist directly for 15 bucks in KL when I had gout, without a referral. I said to myself, "huh my foot joint hurts- I need to go to someone who knows about this" and I called a reumatologist. Amazing how that works. Ear hurts? Call the ear Dr.! Butt hurt, call the proctologist! Dick hurt, well you get the point. Consequently I navigated my recovery through diet and exercise rather than a life long Uloric prescription, based on her astute observations that I ate too much meat and drank too much scotch. I bet here I'd have been prescribed drugs....
God I need a Vicodin.

Meatballs and I'm a dork

2011-10-07T21:37:00.000+08:00

America and Columbus Ohio, this is why you are so awesome: a 1,000 pound meatball Guinness World Book of Record attempt. I attempted to calculate the diameter of this monstrosity, below. I got over 6 feet diameter, but I usually don't do math in public, so it could be wrong. Also, I had to guess on the density of meat balls, since Google failed me miserably. So for the next person that Googles "density of a meatball" perhaps this post will show up and they can use my complete guess (e.g. the density of a meatball is estimated to be 1.2). Has David Letterman done a "will it float" on meat balls? I wonder...

I hope to make it to the Italian festival to see this thing in person, perhaps validate my assumptions, and to see the convection oven used to cook it.

Testing. Testing.

2011-09-13T04:46:00.002+08:00

W. Broad BMV, Cols, Ahia.

Well. We tried. But the deadlines set by the Ohio Bureau of Motor
Vehicles are solid. Immovable. Stoic in the face of logic, pleading
and bribes. 6 months and 6 days is 6 days too long to renew your
license in this great state known for its, um, corn? Jamie thus is now
thrown into the swirling eddy of refugees and zit faced teenagers in a
race for the privilege to pay $4.00 to move about. A computer test. A
driving test.

Ohio BMV, I love how pragmatic you are. Though I doubt you realize
fully what you have done. You see I was granted a new licence,
because I am a lucky one with a licence not yet past the 6 month
"expiration" window. What you do not realize is that I have a disease.
You see, I have great urges to run red lights, and in general do the
opposite of what the signs, lines and otherwise 'better judgment'
would suggest be the appropriate course of actions whilst driving.
In fact today, in 30 seconds, I broke no less than 6 rules in downtown
Columbus. But I paid you $25.75 and I am (by fortune of pure
happenstance) more timely so you are very wise to send my wife back to
remedial education so she can learn how to turn left (into the near
lane not the far one!) and also keep the left lane of the highway
clear for faster vehicles. Both of these are rules that I observe are
followed almost nearly imperfectly in this state. So kudos to sticking
to the rules Ohio BMV. Your roads are certainly safer for it.

What does the driving test involve these days? Are there trick
questions? Do the test takers cloud their thoughts by imagining how
they will act less furtive than normal once they have the power of
internal combustion? Do they think 'Where do I hide my bong?' and 'do
I hide my bong when it is raining or does that have to do with
headlights and wipers?' and 'man I shouldn't have gotten so drunk
before this test!' Oh, how rough it must be to be young and full of
hope and dreams.

Up North

2011-09-04T21:24:00.000+08:00

So far, we've spent more nights in the woods of Michigan than any other place since our return stateside one week ago. Yesterday we trundled down to Houghton lake, which is not to be confused with Higgins lake, where we are staying currently.

As far as I can tell the major differences between the two lakes is that Houghton is much more fun to make potential tourism slogans for. Here goes:

No Shirt, No Shoes, Welcome back
Houghton: Man boobs, pick-up trucks and bars - we got it all.

Just to give you a snapshot, in 3 minutes of waiting outside of a liquor store I saw a woman, that looked like a man but who had installed giant torpedoes to his chest, kiss a little chihuahua and squeeze out of her Buick Roadmaster and walk into the liquor store. A woman, in what can be described only as a jean camouflage uniform - of which the top was of the halter variety - came out and fraternized with a gentleman that looked like Ted Kaczynski's cousin, slapped each other on the ass and parted ways.

I stayed in the car.

Einstein

2011-08-30T23:33:00.000+08:00

Our Einstein Bagel breakfast bonanza this morning brought several issues to light that need swift attention.

Foremost is that when one crosses the street it is essential to look toward the nearest lane of traffic first, not second. I hearken back to my "safety city" class when I learned the "Left-Right-Left" mantra. This is keen advice that helps one not get hit by fast moving vehicles.

Disaster averted we got to the bagel shop, and stood at the wrong end of the counter to order. US goes right to left at the counter, not left to right.

While placing my order at the counter the bagel man engaged us in conversation. Conversation about the origin of capers (they are purportedly little flowers from the Mediterranean that are processed into little tiny salty nuggets of joy and happiness). This is quite a diversion from what has been the norm these past 3 years when ordering from a counter such as this in Malaysia. Ordering a sub for instance in Malaysia required a series of hand signals, primordial grunts and occasional physical intervention in order to obtain a sandwich which is palatable and does not contain the ubiquitous chili sauce sandwich topping that all Malaysians enjoy with great culinary august. So conversation, and about capers (only second in my book in general awesomeness to my pimento stuffed green olive friends) was, well, delightful. The lox was superb too.

Did I mention this was our first bagel in 3 years?

So last century

2011-08-24T08:53:00.000+08:00

You can always find something from last century at a Marriott (usually the bathroom), but at the JW Marriott in downtown Kuala Lumpur the crapper is immaculate. This rowing machine however, has a CRT attached to it and Atari software from '94 running its sweet user interface. Who in holy hell comes to service this thing?

Day 3 in the hotel isn't going all that bad. Monday the movers came, Tuesday we cleaned (well the maid did, I supervised, another thing I will sorely miss). Wednesday we hand the keys to flat and then we are officially homeless.

Thursday, our last full night in KL, we'll be going to a Ramadan buffet to break the fast with our friend Zaiful and his family. Should be fun!! A pool level buffet is low tech and should be easily handled by late 20th century software, or pens and pencils.

Hanoi, Vietnam

2011-08-19T09:22:00.001+08:00

Other than being able to safely be able to call things "hotter than 'Nam" and have some shred of truth behind the statement, we found Hanoi to be one of (if not the most) intoxicating and exciting places we've visited in SE Asia So far. There is really not other place that I have been that has an exciting Old Quarter feel (small lanes, old façades, intimate shops) combined with the craziness of Asia (motorbikes, wet markets, street food...). Together they created created an exciting buzz that was at times awe inspiring.

Going off of a recommendation from TripAdvisor.com we selected a hotel (Hanoi Elegance, Ruby) that could not have been better placed as a home base to wander aimlessly through the old quarter of Hanoi. The small lane in front of the hotel (it's not even a proper street which a car - one with a driver with two brain cells to make a synapse - would attempt to drive down) is small and intimate. In the morning, the lane was a bustling wet market with everything from fruits and vegetables. I had fun for an hour or so taking pictures of the goings on - that is until the food safety police busted several stalls for selling unsanctioned fruits and meats. Need to do some more digging into what exactly was going on but the activity when the cops showed up reminded me a what the activity at a speakeasy would have been upon the sight of the authorities (or certain Athens, Ohio under age bars, currently).

The best place to sell flowers is right in the middle of the street intersection!

Itinerary:

After one day's delay (I forgot to get Visas - small problem) we arrived in Hanoi Friday night and promplty hit the town at 11:30pm at night. Small problem - the town pretty much shutters its doors by 12pm, but we managed to slam a few local brews: Halida "The famous beer of Vietnam". I still think there is some word missing in that slogan, because it's kind of like saying "the liquid beer of Vietnam" but we'll leave that for another time.

After getting some shut eye, we explored the next day (wandering aimlessly - the best approach for Hanoi's old quarter in my opinion) and ended up having spring rolls and too many Halida's by about noon. We ran into a new airport friend (befriended in the Visa line, an Indian Brit, living in Australia - talk about a strange accent) who we spent the rest of the afternoon with, as well as for dinner. The Green Mango is an ace place to eat - just beware things take a century to arrive: drinks are works of art as are the apps. Mains were slightly disappointing but the ambiance makes up for it. Try the outside patio if you can stand the heat. Here's a video from my POC crossing the street on the way to the restaurant. Felt like I was taking my life into my own hands:

The next morning we braved a 4 hour van ride (thank GOD for Dramamine and its off-brand kinfolk Nautamine) to the trumpeted Halong Bay. This newly sanctioned UNESCO world heritage sight is a tourist trap which is unparalleled. The government sanctions ONLY 500 hundred boats (they are called JUNKS, I'm not kidding about that) to be on the bay (a chain of thousands of limestone islands reminiscent of Krabi, Thailand) any given day. We took the "Calypso Cruiser" for a one night spin which included food, kayaking, swimming and a visit to a huge cave that - though I tried - I could not take a picture of that would make any sense or convey its immensity to the reader. The cave, was by far, the most touristy part of the adventure. My advice is do a one day trip to Halong bay to see it if you haven't been to Krabi. Better option is to go to Krabi, rent your own speedboat and be chauffeured around eating pineapple and occasionally snorkeling. This would cost about the same as a 2 day trip to Halong on a boat with 20 strangers. Seriously though it is pretty magnificent -- I'm just not big on sharing my holiday with total strangers.

Halong Bay Sunset from the Calypso Cruiser

After returning the next night we hit the town, enjoyed a rooftop dinner at our hotel's sister property (Hanoi Elegance Diamond) and wandered around town trying to take photographs of the madness that is Hanoi's traffic.

motorbikes blur the background as this bike taxi waits for a customer

The next day I wandered through the wet markets, and got lost, almost missed breakfast and had to hitch a ride on a motor bike (yes, I can check this off my Asia bucket list) from a guy selling tourists books to white folk like me. For the cab fare and a couple books he tried to extort me for like 50 USD. We bargained. I got a book about Vietnam culture (still in the wrapping, hope it's in English and not French) and he got the equivalent of a month's salary. Win - Win?

Wet market right outside the hotel

Alas, now we are back in KL preparing for our big one-way trip back to the US. What will come next? Probably a lot of asinine complaints about the US and Ohio. I think I'll keep the blog going as long as anyone is interested.

here is the link to about 60 pictures from the trip from my Google Picasa online album

Filipino Fakies

2011-08-03T21:10:00.000+08:00

Received this phishing email today:

Dear beloved friend,

I am Mrs. lisa mendoza from philippines,I am suffering from a long time cancer of the breast, which also affected my brain. I sold all my inherited belongings and deposited all the sum of $10.2 million dollars with a finance firm.

I want your good humanitarian, to also use this money to fund churches, orphanages and widows around. I must let you know that this was a very hard decision,

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you more information on this if you can assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein.

Awaiting your reply
Yours in Christ,
Mrs. lisa mendoza

N.B

1 I will like this transaction to be very confidential.

2 you have to send me your direct phone and fax number

3 and a copy of your identity

Everything you need to know about Malay culture (according to Malaysian Melee)

2011-07-26T16:54:00.000+08:00

This is a compilation of some of the best blogs (in my opinion) that speak to the true heart of what it means to live in Malaysia. I hope you enjoy – I had a lot of fun digging through all of the 500 blogs from the past 3 years to bring you these few gems.

Toilets and farts: Toilet envy , Farting and spitting and such , Gross people , Butt bucket brigade, Work idea program, Full rectification indeed, Pee hands

Getin ‘er done (or not): Mowing the grass in Malaysia , Workin at the car wash, Splat, No copyright laws , Holes in ceiling , sooo Malaysian, OSHA does not exist in this country, Sidewalk cobbler, Week 2 of torched car on highway , Guys hanging from ropes cleaning windows, Done fixed it, I hope Malaysia doesn’t get invaded, Fix-a-flat , Me stuck in the elevators at the PETRONAS twin towers , 55 gallon drum oven, Something about covering your ass…

Advertising and Engrish: Placenta Pills, BK, wtf does this mean?, Well this is what I call FULL service. , Run yourself better, Malaysia, the land of... , Dr. Martini, Ridiculous Malaysian BK advertisement, This evidently occurs in my office building , Rookie Road Brownies , Reefer Madness, Closed sign for the BOOK STORE!, I made Engrish.com!, Weird Sians

Food: , food stall delight , HOT DOG DONUT , Roti Telur "egg bread', Suzi's Corner...and stuff , Chicken Fish and Lady Boys - A complete Sunday night

Driving:, Malaysian Driving Test, part 1 , I could go into business, hell a 3rd grader could , Shocks, Pegs, LUCKY! , Teski, Teksi ! , Maybe we shouldn't drive , There is a motorbike in there somewhere. , Parking fees, My taxi driver, Malaysian Road Safety Statistics and Fatalities

Culture: Akon Ringtones, Ghost BUSTers , Unconventional Methods To Prevent Influenza, Sad but true, Cat Scratch Fever , Bomoh catches 9 ghosts, MP: Malaysian men have affairs as wives 'neglect' duty , 1 Malaysia (unless you use your hands in a weird way) , Only In Malaysia ..... , Drive through , Soooo expected it’s not even funny, Gurkha, gurkha, gurkha

Soooooooo expected it's not even funny.

2011-07-25T16:09:00.000+08:00

I drew up a flyer with some furniture we'd like to sell. I stroll down to the building management office to see if I can hang said flyer on the notice board in the common area.

The woman disappears for 10 minutes. After conferring with her boss she says that they will "have to have a council meeting to discuss the matter, and they will come back to me, within 2 days time".

Surely you can see why deciding whether or not to hang this on notice board deserves a council meeting!!!!!

counting to 10......

Everywhere we've been (first to last)

2011-07-25T13:45:00.001+08:00

Reminiscing about our time in this part of the world we worked up a list of every place we have gone (outside of the city of KL). This list with blog links is all the trips we've taken together Since September 2008 through July 2011.

I swear that we also have been working during this period.

2008, 3 trips

1. Tokyo, Japan, September, 2008, Tuning in Tokyo, Sumo, Sumo, Sumo , I (chicken) HEART JAPAN - Part I, I (chicken) HEART JAPAN part DUEX

2. Kuantan, Malaysia, November, 2008, Kuantan Leap

3. Bali, Indonesia, December, 2008, Merry Christmas!, Bali

2009, 9 trips

4. Melaka, Malaysia, January 2009, Melaka

5. Melaka, Malaysia, January 2009 One jam packed day with the in-laws, The Longest Blog

6. Jakarta Indonesia, February 2009, Jakarta

7. Phuket, Thailand, March 2009, Phuket, Thailand, day 1 , Thailand

8. LangTengah island, Malaysia, May 2009, Dive trip: Pulau Lang Tengah

9. Tioman island, Malaysia, June 2009, Tioman dive trip post 2, all others

10. Lang Tengah island, Malaysia, July 2009, 3rd dive trip: Lang Tengah , Lang Tengah Dive Pictures

11. Chiang Mai, Thailand, October, 2009, Chiang Mai, Priceless Asian Miscommunication, Your sister is hot but your MON does that THIN with her tongue , Chiang Mai, the real deal

12. Phi Phi island, Thailand, December 2009, Phi Phi Don, Christmas 2009

2010, 11 trips

13. Singapore, January 2010, Raffles fun

14. Penang and Melaka, Malaysia, January 2010, The family comes to visit

15. Phi Phi island, Thailand, March 2010, Archipelago achieved, Dumb ass tourists, Sneaky prawn, Phi Phi dua kali

16. Siem Reap, Cambodia, May 2010, Cambodia

17. Sipadan, Malaysia, June 2010, Dive Dive Dive , Sipadan Download

18. Kuala Selangor (firefly park), Malaysia September 2010, Kuala Selangor, Almost like Sipadan , The fireflies of Kuala Selangor and photos

19. Melaka, Malaysia, September, 2010 A Sunday to remember

20. Amsterdam, Netherlands, September, 2010 Buying winter hats , Van Gogh, Amsterdam has lady boys too , Ladyboooyy (in Amsterdam)

21. Phi Phi Island, Thailand, November 2010, Phi phi, feeding at a local trough, and other random thoughts , Banana hammock...not necessary :p , I love metallica cover bands

22. Cameron Highlands, Malaysia, December 2010, Cameron Highlands

23. Cubadak, West Sumatra, Indonesia December 2010 Paradise. Indeed.

2011, 9 trips

24. Bangkok Thailand, Dec 2010, New year’s eve – no blog! Wtf, I know!

25. Koh Lipe, Thailand, February 2011 picasa pics – no blog! Wtf, I know!

26. Phi Phi Island, Thailand, March 2011 Phi Phi March 2011 recap

27. Bangkok Thailand, March 2011, Emergency tuxedo shopping and leprechauns

28. Brisbane Australia, April 2011, Brissy, or Brissie?

29. Pulau Perhentian Besar, Malaysia, May 2011, Pulau Perhentian Besar , Planking Perhentian, Oops I did it again, Turtle eggs, Schematic of Beijing sh1tter

30. Queensland Australia, June 2011, Queensland part dua

31. (Upcoming) Bangkok, Thailand, August 2011

32. (Upcoming) Hanoi, Vietnam, August, 2011

Solo Trips

33. Kuching, Malaysia, November 2008, Fook Yee, Fook Hing

34. (J) Singapore, November 2008

35. (me) New York, February 2009, My layover in New York

36. (J) Bangkok, Thailand, October, 2009
37. (me) Turin, Italy, June 2010, Turin Italy impressions , Italians, long lost cousins of Malaysia ,

38. (me) France, July 2010, France etc.

39. (me) Shanghai and Beijing, China, April 2010, Coach sucks, Special of the day!!, Karaoke in Beijing , Red (wine) China

Panda Smuggler Barbie

2011-07-23T16:45:00.000+08:00

The face of it...

2011-07-23T15:18:00.001+08:00

Jamie got a facial and a pedicure and then took the 1 ringgit bus back so my austerity measures are still intact. Now we are at a five-star, late lunch at Chili's. KL Bucket list. Boom!

REALLY? MALAYSIA GOVERNMENT?

2011-07-21T08:09:00.001+08:00

So I am flipping through the latest Economist and come top an article about Malaysia and the recent protest for election reform and the text is redacted? Really? The Economist made you look bad Najib, so censor the press? The economist too (bet its circulation in this country amounts to dozens if not TENS of DOZENS).

First nation status by 2020. Yeppers. UGH! Sigh.....

Can someone please send me the whole text (hopefully it makes it through supposedly non-existent internet firewall that definitely blocks YouPorn if nothing else - a friend told me that)?

Strange Food

2011-07-20T12:04:00.000+08:00

My vietnamese food stall BFF just gave me some fruit that she smuggled back from Vietnam yesterday. She said "clean, throw skin away, eat, good, don't have here, only Vietnam, don't know name". So if you don't hear from me again...

While we had Gin and Tonics, they rallied

2011-07-10T16:49:00.000+08:00

So this weekend was a strange one - to say the least. The Bersih 2.0 rallies (Bersih is self described as a "Joint Action Committee for Electoral Reform") did cause quite a stir, though the authorities did everything in their power to stamp it out. It caused such a stir in fact that it interrupted our gin and tonics.

Some back story is due. Jamie attended an Algae (yes, algae - how to grow it, eat it, make it into beer and work paid for it) conference in Chiang Mai, Thailand (link to posts about that trip), which resulted in us befriending an Aussie bloke named Cameron. This weekend Cameron and his girlfriend Lee had a one night layover on their way to Europe. We (I maybe?) partied pretty hard on Friday night. We spent the afternoon on Saturday - the day of the Bersih rallies - searching for cures for our alcohol induced malaise. We ended up spending some time at a couple of bars around the park having some hair of the dog.

Hazy and lazy day in the park - or so we thought

The view on the other side of the building, opposite us.

After things had calmed down at KLCC the mounted polis stood watch. Note the ratan pole. I didn't see any blood on it.

While swizzling our drinks, it wasn't too long until we knew that something was off. We knew full well that there were protests going on, but I didn't know that they'd be right next to us. Our first tip should have been that KLCC Suria mall was garrisoned like Gitmo. Then there were persistent hovering helicopters. Then, on round number two of our gin and tonics, the massive crowd concentrated just on the other side of the towers was dispersed (not sure from water cannons or tear gas or what) which sent hundreds of people scattering into the park and into the restaurants we were sitting in. Staff quickly scurried to shutter the doors. When offered a chance to come in and get locked in we passed thinking it was a little alarmist. These folks, the protesters, were just getting away from overreacting polis and security forces. It was a peaceful group and we weren't scared, but what a strange day.

At the same time we were having our gin and tonics, we were trying to follow Twitter to see what was going on. I kept seeing posts about water canons as well as tear gas. Once we got home, we confirmed the tear gas by viewing some pretty clear footage on YouTube that was shot near little India as well as at KL Sentral station. Decent videos so far seem hard to come by on YouTube. Here is one that shows the peacful demonstrators being gassed and hosed.

Another with some guy thinking it's smart to rush the cops.

Lastly, this video aired on Aljazeera the night of the riots which shows some live footage (5 minutes duration) - sorry for the quality but we don't have TiVo.

Anyway, we're safe and sound - no worries on that front!

Note: KLCC crowd image from http://www.freemalaysiatoday.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/Bersih-crowd-at-KLCC.jpg

Man that's one sexy Honda Civic you got there

2011-07-05T13:04:00.002+08:00

I took some glamour shots of the ol' gal, just to help with the sale - but as it turns out we didn't need it at all

Well, it's the end of an era. The ol' Honda Civic is now in new hands. Living and working on the same block kind of made it hard to justify having the car anymore, so we opted to put it on the chopping block.

I have to say though, my opinion of Civic has sure changed from "never in a million years" to "maybe my next car will be a civic" in just 2 short years. Of course, this car is substantially bigger than every other car on the market in Malaysia even lorries (trucks) don't intimidate . A Denali would so I guess the next car decision will depend on the size of the locals insecurities if we aren't in Malaysia anymore. Only time will tell.

Happy 4th

2011-07-04T15:43:00.000+08:00

Hope that you drink plenty of Budweiser to get the economy going and stay drunk on that shit until next November to vote Palin into office (two nightmare scenarios there, both pertaining to your bung hole). We are going Dutch (Heineken).

Queensland part dua

2011-06-28T11:00:00.000+08:00

On a recent trip to Australia to attend a conference, we managed to use our spare time to have a little fun. I think that our best day was a trip up to Noosa Heads to hike. Noosa is a great vacation spot and even though it's nearing the middle of winter down under, there were plenty of people willing to go shirtless and dive into the cold water. Coming from Malaysia we thought they were nuts, but they came from sub zero temperatures down south. It's all relative.

J in Noosa Heads standing above "Hell's Gates"

Here is a link to more pictures

Some more observations from this recent trip (here's the link to last one), in no particular order or arrangement:

In Noosa and other northeast coastal towns in winter time, it is perfectly acceptable for teenage girls to run around nearly completely naked with bikini tops and offensively short jean shorts which leave nothing to the imagination.
The proper attire for a bloke on the beach is a light blue rip curl hoodie and board shorts. If you don't have this on I don't think they let you on to the beach.
The food still sucks. The best meal we had (this is sad) was from Pizza Hut, after 6 pints of beer before boarding out plane back to Malaysia. Perhaps it was the 6 pints that made it good, but god the food is bland down there. We did have a couple of nicer meals than pizza hut, but we were sure not to make the same mistakes as last trip - we steered clear of any Mexican food which is an utter abomination and a direct assault on the senses.
I still ~~like~~ love the public transport in Queensland. We traveled on trains, buses and boats and the biggest problem we had was a bus that was 10 minutes late, once. You can't beat it, and the best part is there Queensland transportation network website which lets lost people like us arrange itineraries. http://translink.com.au/
People like sausage. We went to a farmers market on the weekend and watched people stand in line and eat 1ft. long sausages with disregard for the obvious phallic nature of their activities. I assume that all the other food sucks (#3) is why people like sausages so much. Safe bet.
Still don't know what kangaroo tastes like, saving that for the next trip.

Sunway Lagoon

2011-06-12T10:48:00.002+08:00

It took us 2 and a half years to finally make this pilgrimage to the Sunway Lagoon -- for the rides that is. In September of 2009 we went there to see the Black Eyed Peas (blogs here ) which still remains the only real concert we've been to in this country.

We woke up Saturday and made the trek about 20 minutes out of town and hopped right on the first ride we saw, which was about a 30 second roller coaster that was almost what a band of traveling carnies would set up at the end of your street. Anxious for more, we stumbled upon the G-Force X Anti-Gravity Machine. Knowingly taking our lives into our own hands, we climbed aboard before thinking too much about the potential consequences.

G-Force X Anti-Gravity Machine, Sunway Lagoon

The ride was beyond scary. Jamie actually thought she was going to die, evidenced by the sheer terror on her face and her blood curdling screams. I have to admit that I was shaking for about 30 minutes after. The scary part is that upon launching upward you can't see shit except clear blue sky, and then you come down and flip around and you have no idea what is happening. It can only be described as insane.

(If you are on Facebook reading this the link to the YouTube video is here: http://youtu.be/YHjzgh9ycts )

Later we rode ATVs (completely lame 2 minute ride at about 5 mph one a dirt path) went go-carting (awesome spin outs) shot a bow and arrow (only minor welts obtained on J's forearm) and took a 300meter zip line across a pool full of people in something that I can safely say would never be allowed to happen in the western world. (If on FB http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQvVyHyq6Ag )

Then we decided we were thirsty and had 2-pitchers of Carlsburg and hands down, the absolute worst food I have ever had in Malaysia (I didn't know that food this bad was possible) at the cafe next to the wave pool. To top it off, I managed to spill my last glass of beer all over Jamie's shorts. I tried to soothe her by saying it looked like you just got wet in the pool. That didn't really work.

On the way out, we went to the scream zone or something, which is a fully functioning haunted house that runs all year long. It was pretty good actually. Jamie almost cried a couple of times and the 3-D glasses were really awesome. Confusing to say the least is the end where you have to run behind people in laser tag outfits pretending like you are in the terminator movie and dodging lasers which I do not understand in the least.
Overall, I'm not too sad that it took this long to go, but it was a fun little day, beer soaked pants and all.

I am pretty immature and this proves it?

2011-05-30T21:48:00.000+08:00

analysis of http://www.asiapeanuts.blogspot.com/ says that I'm immature and mad half the time!

After analyzing the content of Malaysian Melee, I am also 42% woman. Touché Mr. algorithm!

Malaysia ranks 10th in drinking (or 167th) you decide

2011-05-27T18:37:00.001+08:00

Last Monday during Trivia night our local pub asked “what place does Malaysia hold worldwide in terms of alcohol consumption”? The answer according to the quiz master was 10th place! In fact, that very day, the local rag, The Star proclaimed “Malaysia Ranked world’s 10th largest consumer of alcohol” see the article here

When I went to the underlying report, published by the World Health Organization (WHO) entitled “Global Status Report on Alcohol and Health 2011” available at here I found the statements in The Star aren’t just inaccurate, they appear to be made up out of whole cloth.

The Star Statement: Malaysia has been named by the World Health Organisation (WHO) as the world’s 10th largest consumer of alcohol despite its small population and size.

According to the data, out of the countries listed in the study (188 countries in all), Malaysia actually ranks 167th just behind Timor-Leste in per capita alcohol consumption.

Here is the top 20 list for your information. The US ranks 56th after South Africa.

The Star Statement: Statistics by the international body this year also showed that Malaysians spent over US$500mil (RM1.5bil) on alcohol with a per capita consumption of seven liters.

I found no (zero, zilch, nada) data that describe expenditures on Alcohol anywhere in the report.
Alcohol per capita is 0.8 L (not the 7 liters claimed) on a pure alcohol basis. If you estimate the gross volumes of beverages it’s more like 12L of total volume of beer spirits and wine according to my calculations on a per capita basis.

The Star Statement: Beer consumption in Malaysia is 11 liters per capita.

Beer consumption in Malaysia, per capita (estimating that 6% alcohol by volume which is generous, have you had a Tiger before?) does, by my calculations, equal close to 11 L of total Beer volume. So in the article they apparently have gotten one miniscule and irrelevant fact close to right.

Thankfully I wasn’t the only one that thought this might be complete bull shit and an article on MSN cries foul and does shed some light on the subject. See it here

No analysis is complete without a chart! If the percentage of the potential drinking age population that actually admits to drinking, actually does all the drinking, this means that they drink each almost 30L of pure alcohol per year.

If you convert this 30 L of alcohol per year into actual volume of beverages, you get some pretty awesome results. If the admitted drinking population actually handled all the drinking there would be half a million constantly drunk people -- which is maybe the case after all.

The table below shows the number of bottles and cans consumed PER PERSON if all alcohol is only consumed by the admitted drinkers in the country.

Closed sign for the BOOK STORE!

2011-05-26T17:38:00.001+08:00

Did I mention this is the store that SELLS BOOKS? (Kinokuniya Book Store, KLCC Suria Mall)

Planking Perhentian

2011-05-26T10:21:00.001+08:00

J Planking some A-frame structure at 60 feet under the sea.

Me planking the bow of a boat - BOOM!

If you don't know what Planking is you are really missing out. Who What Why: What is Planking?

Big thanks to Jan :) for the photography !!

Pantyhose sandals

2011-05-24T17:07:00.000+08:00

Pulau Perhentian Besar

2011-05-23T16:05:00.000+08:00

After spending two entire days under water at this point in our diving career, it's pretty inexcusable to say that this was our first trip to Pulau Perhentian. This is especially sad since it's so close to us.

The diving was quite nice, but some of the more interesting things about the trip happened on land. First up: turtles. The beach that Bubbles Dive Resort occupies on the southern tip of the big island attracts many nesting sea turtles. The turtles are attracted to the secluded beach and the natural vegetation that the resort maintains along it. A small group of volunteers pulls all-night shifts roaming the beach scouting for nesting mothers. They count the eggs, measure the tracks and hide the evidence from poachers who steal the eggs and sell them as a delicacy (good for virility, of course what else?) for the equivalent of $1.50 each. There is little that the staff or volunteers can do to stop the poachers lest they retaliate against the resort which would be pretty easily done when it's abandoned during monsoon season. According to the volunteers, a chances of a turtle surviving to maturity is already 1/1,000. With poaching the chances are 1/10,000 and worsening. The very first night we were having some beers after dinner when the volunteers informed us that there was a turtle nesting. We watched sand fling for an hour and saw the form of a turtle lumber back into the water by moonlight. What a crazy experience to actually witness something so amazing. We helped to hide the tracks and hit the hay.

Second up: Poop. The next night we found ourselves in a 3 hour conversation (after lots of gin and beer) about the human excreta disposal habits in China. Sitting at the table were delegations from France, US, Bulgaria and Holland. Toilets in suburbs of Shanghai seem absolutely atrocious:

No screens (beside, between or in front)
Troughs (not holes, water moving, excrement moves down the line, you are subject to the happenings upstream)
Umbrellas (travelers have been advised to bring umbrellas. I'm not sure if this is to protect from prying eyes, or from errant shrapnel, spray, deflections, mis-alignments, and what have you.)

The rest of the time we dove and slept in hammocks. It was a blast. I saw a morey eel penetrate a giant puffer fish's gills a solid 8 inches, which was the strangest thing I have seen diving and the thing you will find least interesting about this blog. But, for anyone who cares, I recommend Bubbles and the diving. We'll go back God willing (and since the rapture did not happen I assume that he agrees and endorses our plan).

On our way to the dive site!

J waiting for the bus back to the airport in Kuala Besut

House in Kuala Besut, Malaysia

On the way back to the airport, we got an interesting Malay van driver that insisted on stopping at every roadside food stand between the Kuala Besut ferry and the Kota Baharu airport. We had fried bananas, fried sweet potatoes, and some egg confectionery concoction (fried of course). He also stopped at a Buddhist Wat. The Wat alone was strange because this is one of the most conservatively Islamic states in Malaysia, but to our surprise there was a concrete Buddha standing over 100ft tall at Wat Phothikyan.

Buddha of Wat Phothikyan, standing at over 100 ft tall

There also was what seemed to be a T-rex statue at Wat Phothikyan. I can assume this means the Wat chief has a seriously debilitating obsession with Jurassic Park and possibly Jeff Goldblum himself. I also postulate that this extremely conspicuous dino fetish is a elaborately constructed diversion for his porn habit.

T-rex

Schematic of Beijing sh1tter

2011-05-22T01:15:00.001+08:00

According to our new Dutch friend this is a schematic of the public sh1tter (including the approximate distances between sh1t spots) in the local areas around Beijing. No barriers between spots. No individual holes. Just a trough. This has been a 45 minute conversation. The Bulgarian at the table also claims that it is the source of democracy (close proximity sh1tting that is) originating from the Greeks.

We are not sure what happens when there is explosive diarrhea, or how one wipes. But this confirms for me one edict that transcends all cultures: all good conversations end up with poop topical matter.

Turtle eggs

2011-05-19T23:16:00.001+08:00

Live blogging of turtle egg laying: It's dark. There appear to be tracks and sand throwing. It just swam out to sea. Good night.

Oops I did it again

2011-05-19T17:36:00.001+08:00

A bad day of diving on Perhentian beats a good day at work, any day. The world needs more hammocks.

Wesak Day Parade Pictures

2011-05-18T10:03:00.001+08:00

I sweated, I wrestled, I got almost run over by massive objects moving at one half of one half of one mile per hour to get these shots of the annual Wesak Day parade for your amusement. I do hope you enjoy. Link to more pictures https://picasaweb.google.com/4Dford/WesakDayParade?feat=directlink

Meeting friends at Chili's

2011-05-18T09:54:00.000+08:00

Our new Sunday night ritual involves movies on the big screen. This past Sunday we opted for the KLCC theater (it is small, the speakers are blown out, I think I got bed bugs, every single person in the theater was eating food or perhaps just crinkling the wrapping for acoustic effect, and the mostly Malay audience laughed so hard at the gay and ball touching jokes (we saw "Paul" the alien comedy) that we missed half the dialogue - in case you care to know).

Before the movie we downed a couple brews at Chili's next door to the theater. We sat at the bar and met a fun girl from New York, living in India, and visiting Kuala Lumpur for the weekend. When she said that the next day she was going to Batu Caves, my tour guide instincts kicked in and before Jamie could get in a word edgewise I had obligated our Monday to this endeavor.

We had a good time at Batu, then Central Market and some good street food in Chinatown including the staple Char Kway Teow (fried broad noodles in oodles of lard) and even made it down to Putrajaya to the amazing mosque. This time, unlike any time I have been there before, they let us see the inside of the mosque, and the nearly 500ft tall dome. Also she liked the story about how Jordan looked like Jesus during our last visit. Here is a reminder.

The second coming

From The Ford's visit KL!

Then as all good days end, there was a torrential downpour, we got lost, and the GPS quit working. However, we did managed to get back to the homestead in time to shower and get her off to the airport. She was so grateful she gave us our first nice piece of Selangor pewter! (link to the whole web album https://picasaweb.google.com/4Dford/BatuAndMasjidPutraWithOurNewFriendLT?feat=directlink)

Wesak Day Parade Route, May 17th, 2011 from Buddhist Maha Vihara

2011-05-14T14:55:00.001+08:00

I'm planning on snapping some pics of the Wesak Day parade and celebration this coming Tuesday. Wesak day is the celebration of the Birth, Enlightenment, and Death of Buddha, FYI.

So I started looking for the parade route and realized that there wasn't any easily accessible information about it (maps, times, etc.). Using the parade route street list in the newspaper, I re-created the parade route on Google maps. You can click and the map and it should take you to Google maps and you can zoom in wherever you want along the route.

Also, using the approximate duration of the Wesak Day parade (4 hrs) as stated in the newspaper, and the parade route, I created a time table of the parade route by street (start time, duration, and end time). I think you could also use this to know (approximately) when the streets will be first closed as the parade goes through town.

So i guess that I need to get out of the house more. Tuesday is looking good.

The parade starts from Buddhist Maha Vihara in Brickfields, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. (123 Jalan Berhala, Brickfields, Kuala Lumpur, Federal Territory of Kuala Lumpur, 03-2274-1141)

Overview of Wesak Day parade route, Kuala Lumpur, May 17th, 2011 (CLICK ON PICTURE TO VISIT THE INTERACTIVE GOOGLE MAP ROUTE)

Detail of the Wesak Day parade route in the from Chinatown to Bukit Bintang

Wesak Day Parade Route, approximate timing by street, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, May 17th, 2011

Full responsibility

2011-05-13T21:20:00.000+08:00

Jamie, I take full responsibility for this curb grindage. :)

Why do the curbs have to be 3 ft. high...? Because of the sidewalk parking propensity of Malaysians!

Ireson at No Black Tie

2011-05-08T09:42:00.000+08:00

Ireson Latin Jazz band

We went to No Black Tie last night. It takes us about 8-10 weeks to forget about the fact that we don't really like the food or Jazz. We never stay past the first set. However, these guys we're pretty good and having some appreciation for brass instruments (I played trumpet in 7th grade) the Trombone player had some mad chops. He made that damn thing sing. It was fun to watch. I think I need about 30 more years before I can fully appreciate the music. Or a lobotomy.

Reefer Madness

2011-05-05T14:25:00.001+08:00

Something about covering your ass comes to mind for some reason.

2011-05-03T18:15:00.000+08:00

Cold Storage Grocery, KLCC mall. Certainly an occupational safety rule was broken here tonight, and no, this is the 3rd most exciting thing that happened today after #1: scheduling a dive trip to Perhentian and #2: running outside in 90 degree heat and not dying.

How I $pent my $aturday

2011-05-01T15:45:00.000+08:00

The Good:
1) The car looks great.
2) I got right into the dentist - I mean you can't do that in the states. I called them on Friday night, went in on Saturday and got the root canal started.
3) I didn't even get a hangover or dribble on myself too much.

The Bad:
1) I have at least one more follow up root canal before the cap can be made and this whole process will take another 3 weeks to finish
2) I have to find ways to cut costs this month. I'm thinking about using the hose more often, water is cheaper than paper by a long shot.

Three beers and four onions.

2011-04-30T20:43:00.001+08:00

Hell of a saturday night.

We have the singular method of the enlargement and the increase of power devised

2011-04-26T12:40:00.000+08:00

Someone who is better at German maybe can translate this spam email I got. Yahoo did a pretty poor job, but I think you get the point - so to speak.

The singular research and the modern technologies have us certified to create this preparation for you. We have the singular method of the enlargement and the increase of power devised… this variant are effective and safe. l The fairy tale and the examined Methode.700 of 000 buyers did not already test our method.

Die einzigartigen Forschungen und die modernen Technologien haben uns zugelassen, dieses Präparat für Sie zu schaffen. Wir haben die einzigartige Methode der Vergrößerung und der Erhöhung der Macht erdacht...Diese Variante ist wirksam und sicher. l Es nicht das Märchen und die geprüfte Methode.700 000 Käufer haben unsere Methode schon erprobt.

1 Malaysia (unless you use your hands in a weird way)

2011-04-22T09:57:00.000+08:00

Outrage at boot camp for 'effeminate' schoolboys
from tvnz.co.nz accessed 22 APRIL 2011

Additional audio from Australia Broadcast System at: http://mpegmedia.abc.net.au/news/audio/pm/201104/20110420-pm7-gayboot.mp3

A Malaysian state's move to send 57 schoolboys with "effeminate tendencies" to a boot camp aimed at counselling them on masculine behaviour has angered rights groups in the Southeast Asian country.

The four-day camp, which ended today, included religious lectures, visiting local mosques and aerobics workouts.

"They have crossed the line...we are disgusted and offended that a child's feminine traits or behaviour is seen as being something that is evil and that should be purged," said Ivy Josiah, a child's rights campaigner and executive director of the Malaysian rights group, Women's Aid Organisation.

The schoolboys, aged 13 to 17 and living in the northeastern Malaysian state of Terengganu, were selected for the boot camp for displaying "some feminine characteristics", state education department director Razali Daud was quoted as saying in the New Straits Times newspaper today.

The camp's establishment was prompted by what Razali said was a rising number of effeminate schoolboys in the state.

Homosexuality is a taboo subject that is rarely discussed in this mainly Muslim country and sex between males is an offence punishable under criminal law.

Razali subsequently told the newspaper that the camp was a character-building programme and was not aimed at changing the students' sexual preference. He declined to comment when contacted by Reuters.

Senior state and federal education officials also refused to comment after the issue prompted widespread criticism.

"Corrective boot camps to 'fix' children and individuals must not be condoned because it violates the rights of people who are perceived as 'different'," a coalition of gender equality groups said a statement.

The country's Women, Family and Community Development Minister Shahrizat Abdul Jalil has called for such camps, of which this was the first known example in Malaysia, to be abolished.

Dirty floors

2011-04-21T23:03:00.002+08:00

I just saw a guy dump an entire box of straws on the floor in the 711 -- this dirty floor --- and then put them right back next to the Slushy machine.

Malaysia: Dirtier than you ever imagined. New slogan. Boom.

Brissy, or Brissie?

2011-04-16T11:01:00.000+08:00

Direct link to pictures on picasa on-line
https://picasaweb.google.com/4Dford/BrisbaneAustralia?feat=directlink

G’day mate!

It was a quick trip but it was certainly fun. I even ended up with a touch of gout which can loosely be translated as: we drank too much, stayed up too late, and ate lots of things we shouldn’t have stopping short of consuming kangaroo.

Things you should know about visiting Brisbane:

• Yes you can buy kangaroo meat at the grocer.

• Public transport is genius **

• Beer costs at minimum $15 AUD for a six pack of bottles. This taxation explains, perhaps in part, the great public transportation.

• Kangaroos and Wallaby’s look a lot the same, but Wallaby’s are smaller. Red Kangaroos are somewhere in the middle. I don’t know what any of them taste like.

• Koalas are boring as hell, but have the best life of any animal: Eat 4 hours, sleep 20.

• Also, don’t call Koalas, Koala Bears. You’d get beat down.

• Eat at “the Continental” in new farm - coq au vin was to die for.

• Don’t tip – wait staff make more money than you probably do. I realized this after we’d added 10-15% to every meal which made them even more expensive than they already were.

• Take the CityCat and see the city from the river.

Other more serious stuff:

• We stayed in New Farm which is a quick bus, train or catamaran ride on the public transit to downtown or any other suburb you wish (yes catamaran ferries jump from stop to stop on the river). One of the most impressive things to us was the robustness of the public transport network that we used extensively to get around during the 5 days we toured Brisbane. We took the public transit from the gold coast airport in Coolangatta which is over 90km to Brisbane and only had to take 1 bus and 1 train and spend 16 bucks total for the both of us. Brisbane also has over 500km of bike trails and routes which we used one of the days to explore on rental bikes.

• If you take the Miramar II boat to the Lone Pines reserve to see the Koala’s note that because of the floods the pier in front of the library is broken and it departs from the north of the river now. We got sweaty running to catch this boat after we found out.

Making margs

2011-04-14T17:47:00.001+08:00

For 2. Probably not going to set an alarm tomorrow.

MP: Malaysian men have affairs as wives 'neglect' duty

2011-04-14T09:22:00.002+08:00

Malaysian men have extramarital sex because of 'wives who neglect their responsibilities' to their husbands, a Malaysian lawmaker told Parliament on Thursday, reports AFP.

"Husbands driving home after work see things that are sexually arousing and go to their wives to ease their urges," said independent lawmaker Ibrahim Ali, as quoted by online portal Malaysiakini.
"But when they come home to their wives, they will say, 'wait, I'm cooking,' or 'wait, I'm getting ready to visit relatives'," Ali said.
"In Islam, wives are supposed to stop everything to fulfill their husband's demands."
Ali heads Perkasa, a right-wing Malay nationalist group seeking to protect ethnic Malay dominance in politics.
His strident comments came as he asked about plans by the government's religious development department to educate wives on their responsibilities.
Wives failing in their duties pushed men to go to "private places to satisfy their urges", he said.
Source: The Straits Times/ANN
Published April 7 2011

An open letter to Maybank

2011-03-22T23:49:00.001+08:00

Re: ATM withdrawal issue and untimely response

Dear Maybank leadership,

I would like to start off by stating that I have had no issues with your bank’s ATMs, or online payment systems. In total, I have been quite happy with your services (read: I have never had to actually go into a bank and speak with individuals representing your bank, except on the rarest occasions to collect a newly issued credit card.)

Last Friday (March 18th) during business hours, I attempted to collect 1,500 Ringgit from one of your ATMs located at the Ampang Park Mall branch. The machine acted quite normally, and produced 250 Ringgit, and printed a receipt stating that I had received 1,500 Ringgit. This is the first time this has ever happened to me. I am sure that it doesn’t happen often however, it I am living proof that it does. You owe me 1,250 Ringgit.

I immediately went into the bank and talked to the claims officer on the second floor, who had me fill out a form and wait for her manager. When I asked if I could simply collect the balance that I was owed, I was told to wait. I explained that I was trying to get money changed to Thai Baht for a trip to Bangkok and had a plane to catch: I was told to wait. When the manager arrived, she told me to wait. My wife and I waited for about 20 minutes before I pressed them specifically about whether they were able to give me the balance of the money today or not. They finally said no they could not. So when I pressed them further, I learned they could process a credit into my Maybank account.

I have lived in Malaysia for 2.5 years, and I’m used to non-answers, the idea of “saving face”, and used to seemingly unnecessary delays (caused by general malaise, ineptitude, spite, and the like). As a result of being faced with this, day in and day out, I have rather proudly become a more patient and pragmatic individual (these are good things).

When I finally received an answer that seemed like a plausible solution (to go about my business of preparing for my flight) I accepted it. That answer was a farce. That answer was: (1) I would not get the money today but, (2) they would process the refund after balancing the machine, and (3) I should try another ATM and go on my way. I did just that. I got some money from another ATM, and went about my business and made my flight.

On Tuesday, March 21st I received a call from the investigation unit. I was asked about the ordeal, and then asked a series of questions. Did the machine do anything strange? (No) Did it make strange noises during the transaction (No), was I alone at the ATM? (No, my wife was there and what are you insinuating by this question -- don’t you have cameras? I’m sure you do!) and other such extraneous and insulting questions. After this rather somewhat baffling exchange, I asked when the refund would be processed. The woman told me that she would “continue the investigation” and this was likely “a machine problem”. Please take note of the employee’s uncanny knack for stating the obvious, for future performance appraisals.

I was told that the “investigation” would take another week to perform and I would receive a call then. IF this “investigation” is concluded in one week (I expect that any number of radical adynatons could come to fruition sooner, including the bestowing the gift of flight to certain split-hoofed mammals) it would mean that your bank will have held hostage my money for a period of 12 days.

I was sure to convey that I would be out of the country on business travel and that your representatives please recognize this time difference (realize that it will likely be in the middle of the night if next week, the US east coast is now 12 hours behind KL). I do hope I do not get a call at 3am telling me that the investigation has concluded. I will be rather irritable at that hour, but pleased (I am pragmatic and understanding of your culture, if I am nothing else), if the result of your “investigation” is positive and that you have placed into my account the money I am due. I will be considerably less calm about this situation if that is not the result (read: apoplectic and willing to start a campaign of ruthless libel on par with certain Scandinavian shit-stirrers).

One must wonder that, as a BANK, your staff might be able to BALANCE the machine, see that I am OWED 1,250 Ringgit, and pay me in a timely fashion. Perhaps your hiring guidelines might need amended to include skills like the ADDITION and SUBTRACTION of sums of money, or maybe just skills that include reviewing the results of piece of machinery that, I will posit, does all this work for you in the first place.

It’s disappointing that you feel I (a victim of an obvious mechanical glitch) be subjected to ridiculous line of questioning and held in limbo whilst you conduct your “investigation”. Maybe you are slowly uncovering an elaborate embezzlement scheme involving Diebold machines and top brass at the Maybank. If so, remember if you write down somewhere that you had to pay me the 1,250 Ringgit you owed me whilst you conduct this “investigation” and you will probably be OK. Just don’t lose that piece of paper you wrote it down on.

In closing, and all satire aside (let us face the fact that this letter would be pretty boring and not fun to write without the satire) this treatment reflects, at minimum, Maybank’s lack of customer service sensibilities. More appropriately, this is an example of a complete and utter dereliction of your duties as a bank.

I hope you carefully consider my remarks and start taking customer service more seriously.

By the way, you owe me 1,250 Ringgit.

“signed”

JAF

Emergency tuxedo shopping and leprechauns

2011-03-21T19:44:00.000+08:00

Attending an Irish ball in Bangkok is a really elaborate way to emit emit lots of carbon dioxide and pretentiousness. Buying two suits really sews it up.

Since I've shed some lbs., none of my suits fit and I thought "what a great opportunity to have a suit made that could pass for a black tie event, and the occasional business meeting". So I visited my old friend Azman at the local Ampang park mall. This easy going Malay dude does nice work, and my only complaint from my last trip was the pants with the 9" zipper (which I think appeal mostly to well-nourished-middleaged-Chinese-businessman demographic). This time I took some pants I liked along and he was going to copy them.

Tense is important in the last sentence, because even though I was very clear I needed the suit by Friday 12 noon at the absolute latest, Azman didn't deliver. Of course being here for two years the egg is on my face, because rather than tell you they can't do something, the local tendency is to say they can, and then sorely disappoint everyone they promise. This happened to me.

So, it's 11am, and we leave for the ball in Bangkok in 2 hours, and I have no tuxedo. So prepared as we were for this potential let down, Jamie and I had pre-shopped for an acceptable off-the-rack replacement at the mall.

Before rushing there to do the last minute purchase, I stopped at the ATM to get some cash, to convert to Thai Baht. I ask for 1,500 ringgit and the ATM spits out 250 and a receipt that says it gave me 1,500. About 45 minutes of waiting and confusing conversations later, I learn that they never intended to fix the problem on the spot and give me the cash, they'd have to balance the machine and get back to me next week. 1:15 hrs left to departure and I have no suit and I have no currency. You might ask how I'm smiling in the picture at this point.

Alas, American Express to the rescue! I held my breath and tested another machine, got the cash, rushed to the money changer, then to the mall, bought the jacket, pants and shirt and pulled out of the parking garage at 12:58pm.

Jamie making my suit look expensive, and me the luckiest guy at the ball!

Dan was a true sport, you wouldn't know he was hopped on on cold medicine and Heineken because he always acts like he's hopped up on some derivative of amphetamine.

Jamie make my dance moves look sad.

Kari and Luke, and the band that looked like Cypress Hill and sounded like ABBA.

Kenny, Kari, Dan, Alana, Jerad and Jamie. If this looks like a picture of a picture, it's because it's a picture of a picture.

Table Mate

2011-03-16T20:16:00.001+08:00

I think I just time traveled back to 2am, November 6th, 1986.

I seriously just saw an infomercial for the table mate on live television right now.

I think she probably should have thought it was a Volcano

2011-03-16T09:50:00.000+08:00

I am not sh+tting you

2011-03-11T21:17:00.001+08:00

Guinness gold chocolate coins and polaroids in the basement of our office building.

Success!

2011-03-11T20:24:00.001+08:00

Kiss me. I am a Malay Irish clown?

2011-03-11T20:18:00.001+08:00

Happy (early) St. Pats!

2011-03-11T19:17:00.001+08:00

Malaysia's propensity to celebrate every, and mean EVERY f*@#!ng holiday is in full effect.

Phi Phi March 2011 recap

2011-03-08T11:30:00.000+08:00

On our fourth trip to Phi Phi........

1) We got upgraded to a hillside bungalow because the resort overbooked and we lucked out. This place had a private infinity pool and came with golf cart drivers to ferry us to and from our place. Breakfast was delivered to our door for free every morning. I'm not making this shit up.
2) Deb discovered the joys of fried rice.

3) We got caught in the rain and saw the most amazing (and probably lowest paid) guitar player in Phi Phi (Link to see video)

4) Jamie and I saw our first sea horse (dive # 58), and then we saw 2 species of sea horses, and then we saw the second species two different times!!
5) Hiked the entire length of Phi Phi from north to south when we were just trying to visit one bay over, on accident.
6) Took a Thai cooking class and discovered that Thai cooking has 3 main ingredients: Fish Sauce, Palm Sugar, and Coconut milk. Oddly together they taste awesome.
7) Saw approximately 400 men that should not be allowed to wear Speedos, ever.
8) Drank piña coladas straight from the coconut
9) Continuously made fun of the commoners not fortunate enough to have a hillside bungalow
10) Drank lots of Singha beer

(Link to see pictures on Picasa web albums)

More proof that cameron highlands really doesn't grow strawberries

2011-02-25T16:32:00.001+08:00

Broken Arrow

2011-02-14T08:53:00.000+08:00

(AP) KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia - Malaysian Muslims debated Sunday whether to shun Valentine's Day after the government warned that the celebration was a "trap" that could trigger indecent behavior.

A Malaysian Cherub is a lonley little dude!

Although no laws prevent Malaysia's Muslim majority from marking the occasion with dinner dates and roses, officials have mounted a campaign insisting that such romantic gestures might tempt young people into having premarital sex.

Deputy Prime Minister Muhyiddin Yassin said late Saturday that the government was not trying to demean Valentine's Day, but stressed that it was "not suitable" for Muslims, who comprise nearly two-thirds of Malaysia's 28 million people.

His comments came after the government-run Malaysian Islamic Development Department, which handles religious policies, launched a publicity campaign Friday called "Mind the Valentine's Day Trap" and handed leaflets advising Muslim university students to avoid Monday's celebration.

Wan Mohamad Sheikh Abdul Aziz, the department's chief, noted that Malaysia's top panel of Islamic scholars had issued an edict in 2005 criticizing the celebration of Valentine's Day among Muslims because it had historical links to Christianity and could lead to immoral activities.

"We accept and celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day ... to commemorate our love for our parents," Wan Mohamad told the national news agency, Bernama. "At the same time, however, Islam would reject anything, even from the Eastern culture, if it contravenes the Islamic teachings."

Preachers at mosques in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia's largest city, also delivered anti-Valentine's Day sermons Friday.

Some Muslims disagreed, saying it was a harmless celebration.

"I've given my wife flowers and taken her for dinner on Valentine's Day before," Khairy Jamaluddin, a prominent ruling party politician in his mid-30s, wrote on Twitter. "I am still a Muslim. If people want to do it because they feel like it's a nice occasion, as long as they're not committing sin, why not?"

In recent years, authorities have sometimes searched hotel rooms on the night of Feb. 14 to catch Muslim couples having premarital sex. According to Malaysia's Islamic Shariah laws, unmarried Muslims who meet in private can be charged with "khalwat," or "close proximity," which carries fines and prison sentences of several months.

image clips used for picture from:

http://www.aimfreedom.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/shisha1.gif
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3107/2786695286_174d26f479.jpg
http://pickuplivelife.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/VictorianCherubAngel6L.gif

"Stuffed"

2011-02-12T19:23:00.000+08:00

I am fairly certain these are "stuffed" piles of shit with faces. There is no other plausible explanation.

Oh my filet-o-fish

2011-02-12T08:37:00.000+08:00

Ok. I caved into my hash brown craving and after flaming shots and a trip to jalan alor (all unplanned) I am not ashamed to admit just how ridiculously crappy I feel to warrant this visit. At any rate, I am now standing here waiting on my order of 4 hash browns and 2 egg mcmuffins (which are in actually made of egg and chicken-ham, that oh so lame attempt at the other white meat's salty bits) and I notice that Malaysia offers the filet-o-fish for breakfast! Now I think that if I wake up and crave one of those we might have done a little too much drinking.

Construction

2011-02-12T08:22:00.000+08:00

Does this frighten anyone else?

Figure this shit out!

2011-02-11T23:41:00.000+08:00

I dare you.

Today's major accomplishment(s)

2011-02-10T13:56:00.001+08:00

Other than eating day 3 chili on top of spaghetti (it's always better a few days after you make it, and let me tell you it was a-maz-ing with a little parmesan cheese and some crispy flat bread... I think sometimes that I might have the recipe to beat, but don't think there are going to be any chili cook offs in KL anytime soon, and if there were a chili winner here, the recipe would probably have to incorporate shrimp paste in order to satiate the collective taste preference of KL which of course is characterized by making everything that normally shouldn't taste like shrimp into something that does, and this habit extends to everything from pizza to potato chips, hence I think chili therefore also would have to lose this shrimp battle to win the KL population-chili-taste-war... so probably I'll just keep the chili cook-off idea on the back burner for now... pun intended thank you very much) I have only managed to critique the parking habits of patrons of the dirt parking lot I can see from our conference room.

Wash and a blow

2011-02-09T15:21:00.002+08:00

If I hadn't heard people actually say this regularly at the salan where an androgynous chinese man cuts my hair, I might read this add wrong.

How much for a wash and a blow?

We built this city / Dah dah dah / We built this city On Mo-Ter Bikes!

2011-02-09T14:41:00.002+08:00

How many DBKL employees does it take to remove a motor bike?

Hey KL city council! Thanks for taking the time each day to clear the pristine sidewalks which you immaculately maintain of the putrid, wretched 2-cycle monstrosities that mar their beauty.

I can't think of a better use of tax money, than to rob from those souls barely fortunate to own transportation, the very thing that perhaps allow them to scrape by. Of course, the question of the operators' sanity is called into question when parking costs 1 ringgit and impound costs 80. Of course there is more than 1 dimension to this issue- there are other factors: (come on, who likes to walk!?! Am I right!? Just park in front of the store lah!!)

Maybe, I don't know, spend some of the money saved from firing the DBKL bike impounders/extorters and refocus it toward fixing the plurality of Dubai-sized pot holes, trenches, and otherwise senseless and dangerous voids in the down town area streets, those of which have flattened two of my tires and bent one rim. Or maybe, spend some money replacing corroded or missing sidewalk grates with new storm grates, instead of wood and chicken wire salvaged from shit washed up on shores of your downtown "river"/sewage dump.

Malone's Murders My Mustard Man

2011-02-08T17:21:00.000+08:00

Me: "Do you have Dijon mustard"?

Him: "No we have French"

Idiot.

This is the same bar that thinks a "Black and Tan" involves Cider and Guinness.

God help me.

Isn't it ironic?

2011-02-08T16:50:00.000+08:00

I can't see your hair, but you can stand next to me cleaning the urinal while I pee?

Week 2 of tire saga: Weststar Honda, Malaysia

2011-02-07T15:06:00.000+08:00

So now I have a Honda service technician taking 42 pictures of the "new" tires to show somebody, ostensibly because they didn't believe the pictures I sent them were real.

Scratch that 59 pictures. Who new it was possible to take so many pictures of a tire? I thought I had it covered convincingly with 3. Maybe this is the best gig this guy will get all week and he doesn't want to go back to the shop and do real work.

Starting to wonder if they ever even change my oil when I go there though.

Well that's all done, they will get back to me in "2 days time". Haha. We will see!

Please fill in your order chit!

2011-01-29T08:29:00.000+08:00

Money changer

2011-01-28T18:34:00.000+08:00

I am about to trust this shack to change ringgit into baht. This is a regular occurrence. Seriously. I think the square footage of this particular money changer is approximately 6.

Weststar Honda is on my sh*t list

2011-01-28T07:39:00.000+08:00

I thought you'd appreciate these pics of my "new" tires. They are still trying to convince me they are brand new. I took these pics and have the dealership involved in trying to remedy the situation. I guess maybe they think new means "not that old".
You can even see where they put some kind of protective coating on the orange dot on the sidewall! "See look at the orange dot, they are new!" they said. So funny. The audacity is astounding. Even worse how stupid they must think I am: like I have never seen a new tire or something. At least they seem to be legitimate Michelin and not re-treads according to our local driver who is well versed in the games these service shops play.

More to come on this one.

Ohioans must have Malaysian ancestry

2011-01-26T12:44:00.000+08:00

The pruners left the lone tree that didn't have any leaves on it (probably dead or dying) and killed all the healthy ones. This reinforces my idea that the people whose job it is to sweep the leaves up (I see them there every day, morning and night) conspired to have all the leaf-producing trees cut down, thus simplifying their job to sweeping up after one single tree that produces no leaves in the first place.

Bad medicine

2011-01-26T11:14:00.000+08:00

I went to the doc for my sore throat. I got a bottle of stuff that I can't identify to spray in my throat for 3 days. Didn't even have to see the pharmacist.

oh LUMEN, you crazy filipino maid!

2011-01-22T06:03:00.000+08:00

Should I complain for spending 50 dollars a week and getting my underwear ironed? Probably not but that wouldn't be any fun. Some things from Lumen's last visit:

Poison control

No that is not an empty bottle of liquor you can throw away. That is where we store our alcohol. Next to the roach killer outside. She did straighten this up and place them both in the corner though. Points for straightening up Lumen!

Fine China

Lumen, please put my ugly coffee cup on display in the midst of the wine glasses instead of the cabinet. Although points for accessability Lumen! Good going!

Couple more days left in this one.

I guess the logic here is that I might get mad if she throws my flower away? But considering she had to clearn most of the petals off of the table (and when I threw it away all the rest fell off) I'm not sure I get it. Points for not throwing away shit that she might think still useful to me in some way?

Trivia again

2011-01-18T01:15:00.000+08:00

Healy Mac's trivia night sucks. But they have straws, and guys from Perth that spittle in your beer, wear beards, and hit on your wife.

Why is there never a science category? I'd at least have a fair shot. Pop culture questions are OK if they are from the last 5 decades people. Before that I don't know. 'Who invented the crossword in 1913' is bull shiz!!!

Anyway it's a good thing I left the bar with the straws up my nose. It was raining.

Rookie Road Brownies

2011-01-13T09:59:00.001+08:00

Jamie has a good find in the lobby of the GTower (which is also known as the G-string or the G-spot) but is supposed to imply ‘Green’ instead of something sexual.

I think I’ll submit this one to Engrish.com

Jerad

I just time traveled to 1984!

2011-01-07T13:12:00.000+08:00

Tender Beef Hor Fun

2011-01-06T13:08:00.000+08:00

Better than Tough or Chewy Beef Hor Fun. Or maybe not.

Asian food packaging extreme

2011-01-05T19:10:00.000+08:00

RIP Biggs Tun

2011-01-03T12:00:00.000+08:00

We just learned our old pet, and first child, Rufus passed away. He was such a lovable biting snuggling scratching terror.

Rufus was also known as: Tuna (because of his breath) and then when we got another kitty his name evolved to Biggs, Biggs Tuna, Biggs Tun, or shortened into a sound that sounds sometthing like "Bishoooooon", Biggs Tun Shamansky (named after Bob Shamansky's political advertisements), Roofies Moop (why, I don't know), Biggs Tun Moop, or Corn Tun (only when sung with the words "beans and corn Tun" - to the tune of the song "beans and cornbread"). He even had his own Christmas song using his alias Roofies Moop to the tune of Jingle Bells. He would run in when he heard it.

When he'd escape into the yard, he'd turn feral, and one time bit my hand so hard I got an infection. He used to like laying on my forearm and being walked around he house. He liked being spanked on the butt. Repeatedly.

Biggs Tun Shamansky was 9 years old and is survived by Okie (Aka: Tiny Beans, T Beans, Beans, Tiny, Tiny Beans Shamansky, or Tiny Tuna.)

He will be missed.

Gigantic choad alert: KLCC

2010-12-29T15:49:00.000+08:00

Paradise. Indeed.

2010-12-24T12:34:00.000+08:00

Kids on the pier.

Evening gin and tonic at the bugalow over water.

bungalow over water

sunset from the bunaglow over water

daily catch - boat delivering fresh fish for lunch

Crab close to our bungalow

Bungalow no. 4, from the sea.

witness sweat rings and spectacular view from the top of Cubadak.

You can see the resort ever so slightly here from the top of the island

witness buckets of sweat from hike

Boat carved from a tree trunk resting on the island beach

Paradiso Village (Pulau Cubadak, West Sumatra Indonesia) is rustic, secluded, beautiful and full of French people. These are all good things. But let’s start from the beginning:

The 2+ hour ride from the Padang, Indonesia airport to this little gem of an island was, in a word, harrowing. Under normal circumstances (normal would include a van with seats fully attached to the floor at four points, infrastructure consisting of pavement or barricades to prevent a van load of tourists from plummeting to their deaths into 800 ft. Ravines) I can imagine this part of the trip being relaxing. Add to the mix a van driver (characterized most aptly by the screams he induced from locals when they were faced with the prospect of being rear-ended by our van on their motorbikes) and you have what I can only describe as the single-most horrific cab ride I have ever had: worse than pot smoking Antiguan van drivers and worse than the Sikh cab driver in Chicago aspiring for a spot in the Busch series. Take solace in the fact that no one has died since they opened in the 1992 and this driving company is considerably better than the previous company fired for fast and inconsiderate driving, according to Dominique.

After our arrival at the port to take the quick 30 minute boat ride to Cubadak (local dialect for the Jackfruit) island we were greeted by the gracious staff of the Village, including Nannie a 66 yr. old Turin native and founder of this resort. Before we knew it we were having beer, eating wonderful food, and scheduling dive trips the next morning.

We came here on the recommendation the folks who publish Eating Asia, and boy were they right about the food. Simple and good, it is a fusion of local Indonesian dishes supplemented with fresh catches (grouper, snapper, you name it all absolutely divine) and the occasional dash of Italian flare (pasta pizza, etc.). There was not one thing I didn’t try, and not one thing I didn’t like. Lunch and dinner are served at particular times (1:30 and 8pm) and you will be joined by all the guests of the resort. At maximum capacity we were sharing dinner with 20 others at several tables. It was really a wonderful experience to meet many people from all over the world, Seoul, Jakarta, Denver – most American or French expats living in Asia.

The diving was actually very good, and we saw many things we have not yet seen from our dives in Thailand and Malaysia. Marco (aka the “Swearing Frenchman” as is written on the side of his sailing ship moored here) is the dive master and part owner. He is unwilling to brand this place as a “dive resort” because the resort is about nature, seclusion, relaxation and good food and not just about diving. Cubadak is a great dive destination, just keep the secret safe. Capacity is really limited in this regard to about 7 divers per trip and fairly regular 8:30 and ~ 11ish dives in the morning with options for afternoon and night dives. When at capacity they send out Nannie (also a dive master) to help with things. He loves to dive and doesn’t get to do it enough (evidenced by the one dive we took with him where we missed the reef and circled the sandy bottom for 30 minutes before aborting our mission). Still not a big deal at all and I’m sure a rare occurrence. For those more into snorkelling and free diving, there is plenty to see starting from the pier and working your way clockwise around the bend of the island.

Considering the island is otherwise uninhabited, save for a 100 yr old fishing village with a population of 40 (reachable by canoe, round trip 1.5 to 2.5 hours) this is a tropical island with all the trimmings including mosquitoes. Don’t forget the bug spray! The mosquito net in the bedroom is effective and necessary. I only got bit times where I was bold enough to wait to apply bug spray until after the sun had set. We used two bottles. A couple of mornings we were awakened by screeching bats using our eve (a mere 3 ft. from our heads, separated by a screen) as a launching point for its early morning bug feasting. Helped me get ready for the morning dives plenty early and be first at breakfast many days.

The back of the resort has a 1.5 km trail that is nearly straight up that puts you atop Cubadak island with spectacular views of the surrounding bay. After you make it up and then back down safely you will forget the 2 gallons of sweat you poured to see it. Bring hiking shoes. Bet on 1.5 hours round trip. Both this and the canoe trip are worth doing once.

hurry whilst supplies last get your CHRISTMAS HAMPERS!

2010-12-16T11:25:00.007+08:00

When I see the word "hamper" only one thing comes to mind: Diaper. Diaper + Hamper. Diaper Hamper. This is pretty much the only appropriate usage of the word I think in the language as I know it.

So, when I got an email about Christmas Hampers, I had to look into this. What could they Mean?

Oh they mean baskets! Christmas Baskets!

But I still have Diaper on the brain so... hurry whilst supplies last get your CHRISTMAS HAMPERS!

Winter Wonder (egg nog filled diapers with bits of corn - hey wait, I didn't eat corn!)
Jolly Holly (I accidently ate some decorative leaves and shit my pants, and I can assure you it was not jolly)
Tinsel time (I thought it was a tape worm!)
The Ultimate Christmas Hamper (stuffing: smells the same as it did going down!)
Silent Night (It smells like raw sewage in here and you can't blame that one on Grandma c'mon! Grandma?)

Cameron Highlands

2010-12-13T06:58:00.007+08:00

Without having much of a plan, we started our trip Saturday morning to Cameron Highlands. After checking in at "the Lakehouse" a Tudor style hotel, we headed down the road to the Boh Tea plantation - the first one in Cameron Highlands - established in 1929. Having earlier convinced J that it could not be that cold in Cameron Highlands, the wind of course blew at about 30 knots and the clouds spit rain. "You're going to wear jeans?" I said. (I did thank God).

We had some over-priced tea and scones at the factory, and headed back down the road to hike to Robinson Falls. A farm worker told us to take a different trail than the one we started on (one our guidebook advised against). I can assure you it would be prudent follow the advice of the Lonely Planet guidebook and not that of the Myanmarian migrant farm worker. That is to say, take trail #9a and not trail #9. Though in both cases you'll have unmarked and nearly impassable trail and close brushes with death. It is Malaysia of course.

About 1.5 hours later we arrived in Tanah Rata, and fueled up on Maggie mee goreng, roti, and some nasi campur (fried ramen noodles, bread, and rice with some of everything on top if you're not in-the-know). We hiked back to the car (taking the less steep yet somehow equally shitty #9a trail).

After some much needed gin, we ventured down to the lobby and enjoyed a hardwood fire and the creepy ambiance of a tudor mansion before dinner. It's one of those places that gives me the jeebies if I was alone -like the paintings on the wall are going to come to life or something. But, all in all, not a bad place to stay. I mean they were nice to me when I dumped a whole glass of wine on the floor at dinner. They even washed our car we realized as we got in it the next morning!

Yep that's it. It's a bush.

The Lakehouse

On our hike: millipede!

The tiniest of flowers hiding inside of a rotted trunk.

Sunflowers along the trail.

The Boh Tea factory

On top of the hill of the Boh Tea Plantation

The tea plantations are just endless

I think that this speaks for itself.

Hugh tea bags (that's what she said)

A worker unloading tea bags (that's what she said)

The trail head for trail #9 to Robinson Falls. The barbed wire should have tipped us off.

Possible slogans to lure the obese to Malaysia

2010-12-08T07:26:00.003+08:00

"McDonald's Delivers!, No I'm not Shitting you, for a tip they'll even put it directly in your gullet"

"Palm Oil: stay fat as hell with no hydrogenation!" or "Palm oil: cheap as shit and even fattier than lard, can you believe it, LARD!"

British English-American English translator

2010-12-08T06:53:00.001+08:00

Homely means homey and not ugly

Motor way means highway

Path means sidewalk

Quiz night means trivia night (did you know the eastern entrance to the Panama Canal is from the Pacific Ocean?)

Jumper means sweater (pronouncing it Juumpah doesn't make it cool, a jumper is still an article of clothing with leg stirrups in my book)

Electronical (that is not a typo) diaries means things like Microsoft Outlook

They have no word for "Construction Paper"

Now that's out of the way, the best deal in town for beers is 6 to 7pm and 10 to 11pm at Celsius (a bar behind the newly renovated building called Fahrenheit 88) all you can drink tiger for 20 ringgit during those hours.

Thank God I didn't go during those hours.

Sabotage

2010-12-06T11:58:00.000+08:00

Note to self: I am guessing that I would cut the green wires to sabotage this building's fire alarms.

A new blog to waste your time -- subconscious ramblings

2010-12-06T07:46:00.004+08:00

I started a new blog called "Subconsious Ramblings" to capture the essence of my crazy dreams. I hope you enjoy it too! The dream that prompted me to do this had to do with Salmon Gum and Rick Moranis. The blog link is http://freudinmydreams.blogspot.com/

I call this mullet..the Davy Crockett

2010-11-27T15:17:00.000+08:00

This evidently occurs in my office building

2010-11-26T14:12:00.002+08:00

I have resisted the urge to correct the English:

Social KL Calling out to all Beer Lover, If U think U can Drink, come and join this Beer Competition with your partner on Every Friday. Who can finish the Beer fastest in 30 minutes will win RM 1000 cash away on the spot & Ladies, Come and Join our X-Rated Night on Every Saturday with your killing heels and get Free Flow of X-Rated Cocktails From 10pm till late.

My taxi driver.

2010-11-15T17:44:00.000+08:00

I love the public transit, but today the train was broken: some unidentified "service interruption" between KLCC and Kampung Baru. I stood on the platform listening to the announcement I stared in disbelief as the train stopped, and sat there for 5 minutes with doors closed, then lurched quickly and sped off backwards down the line. It is at this point that I opted to get a cab.

I always wondered if cabbies actually want to take fares when they look quite comfortable and unhurried- sometimes asleep with their feet on the dash, or lounging on the roof of their car reading the newspaper as this guy was. I had to convince him to drive all the way across town-like he is only a short haul cab. He extorted me for 5 bucks. Only now that I am in this cab and I think my ass is getting wet from road spray do I have an inkling about why. But the a/c works and I think there was a recent enough rendezvous with under arm deodorant: probably within the last week. As long as he sees the buses, motorbikes, school children, old men, fruit carts, and lady boys while reading I suppose we'll be just fine. This guy's peripheral vision is Guinness world record worthy.

New POS windows issue

2010-11-12T08:43:00.000+08:00

I call it the "zebra death matrix".

I love metallica cover bands

2010-11-07T01:37:00.000+08:00

And copious amounts of beer.

Banana hammock...not necessary :p

2010-11-05T15:09:00.001+08:00

Phi phi, feeding at a local trough, and other random thoughts

2010-11-05T14:01:00.000+08:00

Why this place is called Pirates bar, is strictly because of the pirate paraphernalia patina adorning the walls and the horrible Thai food. Such is tourist trap this place is. I feel in the majority again though so there is some solace in that right?

On the hour and a half ferry ride over, we stood on the bow trying not to hurl the 47 Singha beers from the night before, and made fun of the 52 chotchskies with tribal tattoos and Chang Beer wife-beater tank tops. Wearing a beer shirt in Thailand is like wearing the band T-shirt to the concert. (Side note: Dave Matthews and Pearl Jam are not cool anymore).

I think people think we are Dutch because we are so pale.

Boat Boat?! Boat Boat!? (Only if you have been to Thailand do you know what this is exactly. I forgot about it.)

We stole bikini-inspired beer nipples last night from Surin Beach. I used to call them koozies. But beer nipple is growing on me. You decide.

Diving in the morning, but considering we are drinking at noon the day before, I think we might oversleep. Just a hunch. Just sayin.
Highly controlled gout prevention experiment #1,856a. I am going vegan/high-carb, drinking nothing but beer for 4 days, and taking vitamin C.

Nurulhuda rebooking my flight

2010-11-03T14:23:00.000+08:00

I have been in Singapore for the day. I got picked up in a Mercedes, bought lunch at a swanky restaurant, and will now be home in time to pack for my dive trip to Phi Phi Thailand which we'll leave for on Thursday. Why would anyone not want to live here?!

Photowalk with David Hagerman

2010-10-24T15:51:00.008+08:00

I have been looking forward to this for a couple of weeks: taking a photo walk around Chinatown with David Hagerman, a well-known photographer of SE Asia, who is based right here in KL.

I would definitely recommend this walk if you'd like to see some interesting parts of Chinatown (he offers other locations too) and get some professional pointers along the way. It was relaxing and fun, and we did get several good shots.

One assignment we undertook was to try and capture some images for a friend's T-shirt company. I took some of my lovely wife that turned out well too (that's not hard to do!), but coup d' etat was getting a fish vendor at the marketplace to wear the t-shirt. We schemed that he would be willing to endulge us and wear it if gave it to him. I think for the price of a t-shirt the pictures we got were well worth it, especially this one!

In this photo, David was holding a remote flash triggered by my camera to the right of the vendor, filling in his face where the natural light was lacking. I need some new gear to be able to do this, it's great!

I've uploaded other photos to google picasa online, including a few that were taken after David left.

Thanks Muriel!

2010-10-24T15:45:00.001+08:00

I took my birthday money and put it very good use last night. This is at Teeq restaurant, on top of the roof of Lot 10 mall. I even remembered to take the napkins along! Thanks for making my special day that much better Grandma!

Love
-J

Happy b day to me!

2010-10-22T23:50:00.001+08:00

I didn't realize how much this looks like I'm actually licking jamie's feet when I posted this last night. I assure you I wasn't. Although one time, I dipped a carrot in a loogie and ate it for a dollar, but that was about 16 years ago. Plus I hate feet. hate. The real question is how in the hell did Jamie's feet get so fricking gross?

This was my third birthday celebrated in Malaysia. 2008, just after moved here was a real hoot. I got on stage to sing happy birthday to myself with the band. Here is a link.

Last night, We meet up some friends and co-workers at the Magnificent Fish and Chips, which has become a tradition, having partied it up there in 09. However, there was no awesome karake this time. The next morning headache however, was exactly the same.

Polishing deities

2010-10-17T19:51:00.005+08:00

Maybe just to see if I could do it or not, I woke up early Sunday to go on a photo walk. Next Sunday, the day after my birthday no less, I'm supposed to do the same thing with a pro to go through these parts of town and get pointers and tips and all that jazz, and hopefully get some stellar shots.

Anyway this morning I went straight to the Chinatown wet market, tucked behind the lanes of what at night becomes the tourist trap we all know and love. 3 seconds after I walked in I saw chickens getting their throats slit and thrown into a rain barrel to drown and bleed out. I'm guessing this is not Halal.

As I passed one of the fish cleaning stalls, a bystander was trying to convince me of the freshness of the fish, as I stared in wonder, how the gills were still moving on a fish that was half filleted.

Newsstand

And so I wandered. As I crossed a pedestrian walkway making my way north, I passed a presumably homeless man, asleep by the top of the stairs, his flaccid penis protruding through his unzipped pats. After this, as I thought about what I would eat for breakfast, suddenly noodles didn't sound so good. I found a mamak stall on Jalan Gereja and had some roti telur and tried to erase the vision from my memory banks.
I had made my way close enough to little India at that point, where feeding pigeons appears to be a sport. It made for some fun as I tried to get something interesting to happen. Everytime I moved to reposition they flew up, hundreds at a time, straight up into the air. I think I took about 100 pictures trying to capture how cool this was, and failed miserably but I had fun - that was the point.

Just across the street from Masjid Jamek station, I hung out, by myself waiting for anyone to walk infront of this building. I stayed for 30 minutes and didn't get one I like. This is the first one I took. Now you are getting a sense of how much time I waste doing this stuff?

By the time I got to Jalan Masjid India, many of the shops were opened, but the day was getting hot it was kind of quiet. I peeked in this shop and saw this baby, sprawled on some batik. I had to take a double take, because I thought it was a doll! I guess she was safe, but it was a 3 foot drop from the slippery plastic wrappings.

Just as I was wrapping up, I spotted this tiny temple that I'd never noticed before, probably 500 sq. ft. tucked behind a construction site and a dilapidated building, I was invited in to take some pictures. This guy was polishing deities inside.

Ingenuity

2010-10-14T13:07:00.000+08:00

The tandoor at Ampang park mall is a 55 gallon drum filled with concrete and fired with butane. I am about to eat bread out of it. I love this place.

Strawberry milk

2010-10-12T07:56:00.000+08:00

is gross. But I can't bring myself to just dump it out. On the other hand, I bet that the man sleeping under the parked bus down the street would probably pass it up. I am right now imagining myself crouching under the bus and handing (now) warm viscous pink liquid, catching a whiff of diesel fuel, surrendering to the stench of an unwashed body and perhaps blowing chunks of candyland-colored oats and raisins.

There are plenty of stray cats in the neighborhood, but they are meat eaters: mean bastards whose taste buds have been honed through hunting dog-sized KL rats and dumpster diving for leftover beef rendang. They might scoff at my offer, hike a leg, and let my shoe have it.